To be Free

Now that wasn't that hard was it...?

Updated my Ohno exchange in html and sent it to the mod. Hope it gets posted soon...

Updated the RNA masterpost by authors...

Also finished watching newszero... (I'm watching it weekly now, religiously...) 



Thank you once again to duckyshimetai  for helping with the RNA fic masterpost... I've finally gotten round to updating the masterpost by author on RNA. 

Ok. I just had to copy and paste it down since it was the html code that was being edited... Still... I've put it off for so long... ><

Anyway... That reminded me that I have a fic masterpost on my own DW to update. Lol. And I need to add in the links to the sidebar too... Someday I'll get to it... Shall start with posting change fic first I guess... It's just been sitting in my journal as a private entry for the longest time... Cos well, that's how I format my fic, by using the DW editor... And since I'm already using the DW editor, might as well just post it as an entry viewable by myself only right?

Going to HK for holiday this Thurs. Starting to pack my luggage... Yeah... 

Sigh. 

Run in with Q today. I had enough of his shit. And he wasn't pleased with my 'attitude'. Like hello, do you know how many times you have insulted me and my co-worker already? Look at yourself in the damn mirror before you speak. Almost every sentence you say makes our blood boil. I've had enough of your shit. Definitely leaving next year. It's just a matter of when. It'll be good if the doc can publish the two papers soon and hopefully I'll have my name on it. Doesn't matter if I'm the 10th author or something. At least I'll be able to show that I've done a lot of work here. 

And even w/o talking about the contents of the work, I've been thinking of quitting this job cos it's so far from my home. Ok, far by Singaporean standards ok? But it's just such an inconvenient place to get to. And the lunch hours my gosh. He freaking insists that we eat at 1pm. Of course it's no big deal for him, he takes his time having breakfast at work daily. Sure he lets us eat breakfast... But most of the time I don't have the time and luxury. And cos I have to leave the house so early... It's basically a long time between breakfast and lunch for me and my stomach is NOT liking it. I've already had stomach problems in JC cos of the messed up eating times. Now I'm experiencing the same. And it's starting. I've been vomiting for no particular reason, and it's getting more and more frequent. Just like what happened in JC. And I'm sure it'll only get worst. All because he freaking insists that we eat at 1pm. Today, I was up on a ladder and looking for blocks when I kinda just choked. Like... A dry cough kinda thing? But what freaked me out was that I proceeded to vomit out a whole mouthful of acid. Luckily I managed to keep it in my mouth and eventually swallow it back down. Would be bad if I vomited all over the box of blocks... It's clinical samples ya know? And I had breakfast at work today - Mondays the hospital provides us free breakfast. Yeah... I'm definitely gonna end up like I did in JC vomiting daily if this keeps up. And with the stomach it's really troublesome. Once you mess up, it's hard to undo the damage. I've bought biscuits and stuff and put them in my drawer at work, but that's assuming I'm at my desk and have time to eat them... Gah.

In the end... 

My dream would be doing freelance/self employed work at home. No bosses. None of this shitty nonsense. I've had enough of all these and frankly speaking... The kind of work culture in SG is a poor fit for people like myself. 

What would I like to do?

I'd like to... draw my own comics, and keep my own site...

I'd still like to revive Nihongo Manabu in some way or another

I can do either mobile app development, or web dev... Or some other programming jobs... 

And finally I'd like to have enough time to watch my Arashi shows, and engage in my hobbies. Would be nice if I could turn some of those hobbies into some kind of income generating thing too... Yeah. Doesn't have to be a lot... But I do still need to earn enough money from one venture or another to pay the bills. That'll probably come from my 'main' programming related job. But I'm hoping to earn a few pennies from my side hustles too...

Oh wells. 

Dream on maybe. 

For now... I'm going to learn python and shall stick with it for a while... Eventually I'll like to branch out to learn C++ and Swift as well... 

Alright. That's all for now. 

Ok. Bad journal title... Not the first but yeah.

So... I have to first thank mmestrange  for helping me find all the links to fix my masterpost. I was absolutely speechless this morning when I opened my DW inbox. Thank you!

In spite of that... After the whole morning (then again, I woke up rather late), I'm only done with half of arashi_bangumi's masterpost. Opps.  Oh wells. I'll continue tackling it later/tmr.

In any case... I HAVE CLOTHES.

Went out for lunch with my family and after that the topic naturally turned to clothes shopping. Since I have no idea what the dress code at my new place is... (HR just said, wear pants and blouse on the first day and see what everyone is wearing, cos each place is different...)

So... I am forced to buy a few blouses and pants in case T-shirts and jeans are not allowed. Considering that I only had like 1 blouse in my entire wardrobe. Ok maybe I can still fit into that blouse that I bought in PH last year. *maybe*

So now I have 3 new blouses, and 1 new pair of pants. I think I'm good for at least the first week. Maybe one or two more blouses would be good, then I'm set. I wonder what the dress code is like though... :X

And so my two weeks of holiday starts... With this move to DW... It seems like I barely have time anymore. DW stuff... Making stuff with my 3D pen, setting up a new 3D pen related blog and youtube channel... Watching Arashi shows -- hoping to catch up with a few months worth of shows these two weeks... Oh and viereedom  is coming to SG next Tues and Wedn and I've volunteered to bring her around (just remember, I'm going bankrupt vivi :X)

That... And I have to adjust my sleeping pattern. I have to wake up at 7am the latest for my new job... So I gotta get used to sleeping and waking up earlier. No more 2am or 3am bedtime for me... :X

Whee. I should be happy that I'm out of that hellhole. But I'm not feeling that sense of relief yet. I guess it won't actually sink in till when I hand in my card at the HR and wake away from that building for the very last time.

And then I'll only feel the excitement of doing science once more when I actually start doing experiments at my new place. I hope that things there are good. That at least my supervisors aren't mean, that at least my hardwork will be acknowledged, that at least all that things I do won't go to waste.

In the past week... So many PhD students came to moan the fact that I'm leaving... Because there is absolutely no one left to do bio related work. Or to teach them. And the A. Prof obviously doesn't care. Doesn't even know all the people I've taught, all the experiments I taught them... Countless really. I sent her the last of my experimental results on Fri morning. Didn't even hear back from her. Like just. Nothing. With her you don't even know what she's thinking. Sometimes she plain doesn't care, other times she seems to keep pressing you, bugging you... As if it's really urgent... As if she really cares... And you really have no idea what's in her mind. She sends a very jarring, angry email reply back, but when you talk with her she doesn't seem the slightest bit angry/upset. So she told me I should take up a more 'leadership role', but after that it was never ever mentioned again. Didn't even mention how I am expected to perform more... It was as if the conversation never happened. And my resignation thing...? She didn't even bother accepting it on the system. Just let it sit there for 5 working days and have the system auto forward it to the relevant people. Like what the heck? We even talked about it, discussed with her my end date, and I gave her a physical copy for my resignation letter. But she just let it rot in the system. Responsible much? Then again, considering how she thinks it's acceptable to divulge the private information of my friend to me, intruding onto others' privacy... Pfft. I'm glad I'm out of that shitty place. All that could be there is to be a slave to others and nothing more. Oh you AP who takes me for granted. Goodbye. Have fun finding someone to teach you PhD students how to do qPCR, or better still, make a qPCR standard. Lol. And have fun watching them spend months to troubleshoot and get a decent RNA extraction done. Oh and confocal? Now who's going to do all the confocal work? Only two PhD students left in the whole institute who can operate the confocal. Enjoy guys and gals. Have fun lol. Goodbye.

All the noob kids and babies... Some don't want to do bio related stuff but you forced them to anyway. Then you don't want to hire any bio staff to teach them Yay. Win win. Moving away from biology instead. Ok sure... But isn't that the future of things, where all the high ranking papers are gonna come from? Whatever you and the director are thinking. I don't care. I'm not interested in that field. Never was. And now I've found a place that'll accept me back into the world of medical biology. Hurrah. Couldn't have been happier. I'm back. Back in the game. Where I'll actually be doing useful research, research that makes a difference. Not just harping on a bacteria that nobody really finds it interesting, trying to do basic science when erm we have neither the equipment nor the expertise... Nope. I'll actually be doing proper experiments. Experiments where I know the results do matter. Not something that's full of unknowns because the culture is so unpure. 

Working directly with patient samples. Gosh. Something that I've been wanting to do for ages.

I wonder if there'll be cell culture. 

Lol.

Man. I still love it. Doing cell culture. Speaking of which... IDK why but my workplace has some cell culture flasks, and the PhD students were like, what's that? Lol. They were commenting about how it's a good vessel for condiments. LOL. Basically they are totally clueless when it comes to biology. They don't even know how a PCR works. The various sets like denaturation, annealing, elongation... Nope, they have absolutely no clue. Sigh. It's like, secondary school stuff you know... But they just aren't bio people... Sigh.

Looking forward to my new job. But also to my short vacation. Staycation, whatever. I have a ton of work to do at home. Starting with all these DW stuff. I see arashi_off  already has over 200 members, and arashics  has almost a hundred. Still have yet to make the announcement on SF and the rest of my comms. Well, the DW counterparts aren't ready yet... Still got a lot of work to do on them...

But it seems like a lot of people are moving over! And like a snowball going downhill, more and more people will move over for sure! This is great. Quite a few comms have announced their move to DW, and out of all my comms, only 1 has made the announcement... Three more to come. Hoping to see DW Arashi fandom blossom like in LJ. 

Alright. Enough for this entry... Guess I'll go do some other stuff... There's a ton of offline and online stuff to do... I'm BUSY man.

Still crossposting to LJ for now... But maybe someday I'll decide to cut LJ off. For sure, I'm not going to crosspost for my comms (well besides SF?). But not RNA. Arashi_bangumi I've already cut off posting on LJ...

Yeah. Come move to DW everyone! 

Yup! So I did get around to writing and finishing Fantastic Classmates and Where to find them. Yay me. I was just looking through the fics on nutty arashi and the fics on my personal blog here... Seems like the only time I remember to cross post my fics back here is when I post a new creation to RNA. Lol.


For those who don't know... I have a fanfic community called nutty_arashi. Since I kinda want people to join (it's open membership!) and visit the community, I post all my newest fics there. Only after 2 weeks (or more) will I transfer the fics to my personal blog here... Just erm... because I want to have my own fics here. The community is a venture between me, J and octavia, though in the past year or so I've been the only one writing/posting.


Didn't write many fics this year... Though I did take part (well, and helped a little with the organising) of the fishing mj fic exchange... So that forced me to write a fic.

With those two new fics.. My total fic count is now 86. Nice. Gonna hit the magic number 100 soon... Just 14 more fics to go! Someday I'll get there!



Sigh. Not feeling fantastic today. Sore throat is freaking back. And I'm still coughing. Gosh. I've never had a sore throat come back on me before once it progresses to the coughing stage. I think I worked myself too hard on the algorithmns last week or something. Not in the mood to try and understand anything atm. Sigh. Not in the mood to do my NM post too... And I'm still missing last week's post (well, it's half done...), this week's post, and next week's post. This is the reason why I don't like going on holidays. I'll have to schedule and write so many posts at once! Arghs. And now my tummy has decided to act up today as well. Not sure if it's cos I stayed up till too late last night and ending up starving myself or something. Not my fault. I can't sleep with all that coughing... At least I'm coughing lesser tonight...

Arghs...

Shall look for other happier and untaxing things to do. Finished making all my Xmas cards. All 12 of 'em. Including one that was already sent out (and receiver got it today whoohoo!), that makes a total of 13 Xmas cards this year! And to think that it's my first attempt making Xmas cards. *shrugs*

Moral of the story: You can always find receivers for free things. Like the little trinklets and other random stuff I've accumulated over the years and am going to giveaway for instance. *shrugs*


Also... The last of my taobao shipments have arrived today. Finally! All my plastic filaments are here. I went crazy with the buying. *shrugs* It's cheap... but now... how will I ever finish using them up? Where can I even keep them in my room?!?! Will my 3d pen die before I even finish 10% of the filaments I bought? Lol. Next investment = 3D printer? But I want the expensive ones that can print big models and have plate heating and dual extrusion and and and...

Oh wells.

I emptied out my bank account already so yeah.

Literally.

Thou shall not shop again in 2 months.

Oh wells. I guess if I direct my energies to javascript and my new website instead of how fucked up everything in at work...

Opps. I said I'm not talking about fucked up sad stuff.



Hmm 14 more fics... We'll see... :P

Maybe someday I'll actually rewrite spy arashi AND finish it. Idk. Someday.

Have I complained about how my leave was rejected?

I think I have.

Stupid prof. And stupid DJI. Like WTH? That was totally unnecessary. If things had been done MY way, I would have all the samples tested and done by last Wedn, and I could have gone on my leave. As it turns out, yesterday I was doing stuff that *could* have been done way earlier, as was the whole of last week. And today? I had absolutely *NOTHING* to do.

On the plus side, I spent my day revising all my completed challenges on FreeCodeCamp, and making notes. Which is what I intended to use my leave for anyway. (Still, you fucking wasted my whole week!)

Idiots.

Anyway.

Finally finished making notes for the 170++ odd challenges I've finished in about a week or so.

I can tell you that I spent way more time making notes than doing the challenges itself. Which made me question the efficiency of my choice of taking notes.

No wonder I never ever took/made notes in class. Like, ever.

Lol.

But I guess it's good to take notes. A little revision to make sure that I didn't miss anything as I sped and crashed through the challenges. And writing out the code in old fashion pen and paper helped me remember them a little better. And it's important that I remember all these and internalise them ASAP. The very basics, ya know. Sure, making those websites on codepen helps too. And so does taking notes.

When was the last time I studied this hard? Idk. But definitely not for anything school related.

Bootcamps?

I think I'm never ever going to attend those. Esp those that cost a fortune. I don't even have a fortune to pay to begin with. I totally drained my bank account on plastic filaments and electronic gadgets and pens and what not. Nope. Definitely NOT going to go a crazy spending in a long time... :X

Anything structured and formal doesn't work for me.

Ok, not sure about the structured part but erm... Rules and regulations? They exist to be broken. I like going at my own pace and just speeding through everything. And googling everything if I need help. I'm not even at the stage where I need to join chats and forums for advice. Uncle Google is my best friend. I like things just the way it is.

Well definitely not the way things work in schools in sg. I'll probably just get bored. The pacing... Either they go too slow for me, or they go too fast for a complete newbie like me (as quick as I may be in picking up new things...)

Everyone learns at a different pace after all. The chances of structured lessons going exactly the speed I want them to be are close to nil.

Unless you self learn that is.

Which is what I'm happy to do.

Especially when there's a big carrot dangling in front of me. I have a project in mind. A website to build. I'll learn whatever it takes to build it. And that, is my best motivation.

And when that gets completed. The website gets built... I'll have to maintain the site... And then I can dream up of the next big thing to build and learn the relevant skills.

How cool is that?

That's just like what one would do in science in an ideal world, but of course, we are far from an ideal world. At least, in coding, it's probably easier to achieve that sort of ideal world situation that I imagined. Maybe. At least you don't need millions of funding to do a website. You just need a computer and an internet connection, and some cash to pay for a hosting plan. Which is way more accessible than a BSL2 lab and tons of equipment and consumables. And those, are stuff that I already have.

Cool.

Let's see how fast things can go... The sooner I can monetize this coding business, the better.

Don't know how things will turn out, but it doesn't matter. I know I can do this. I don't have any doubts about it. Maybe it's because I've been tinkering with computer stuff and dabbling a little here and there in codes of some kind all along. Whether I can do it or not is not even a question. The question is how long I will take to achieve a decent level of proficiency. And how long it'll take for me to learn enough to start putting *something* on that new website. Oh, it's gonna look really horrid at the beginning. But that's ok. It'll be my experiment. And I'll just tinker with it till I'm satisfied. And I'll do it for as long as it takes.

Alright. It's time for dinner now! Then it's back to learning!

I've been social!

So a jc friend who's absconded to the US came back to SG on holiday. And it was pretty last minute... But I met up with her on Monday evening. Night. Midnight.

Just the two of us.

It really surprised me how much we had to talk about. I mean... The last time we talked so much was probably a decade ago when we were still in jc. And after her being aboard for so long and all... We've drifted apart.

But.

I guess that was precisely the reason why we had so much to talk about. Because she broke out of the box, the cage that in this country's rules and boundaries. And because I'm a little bird so very trapped here, so very much wanting to break free but still lacking the courage and motivation to do so... (and no also lost and questioning her life direction). We just chatted and chatted. First we had tim sum. Then we switched to a Japanese café for mocha ice cream to talk more. And when they were closing up, I asked my friend if she knew of any bar or something to go to. Of course she checked out the bars nearby. She loves drinking after all. So I went to my first ever bar, feeling totally out of my league and definitely under dressed (because basically my whole wardrobe consists of T-shirts, shirts, and jean)... In this high end hotel... And then we ordered some drinks and chatted some more. Got some 16 year whiskey with chocolate bitters and it was nice. Pricey. But at least it was good alcohol. Like, no the diluted with tons of ice kind of drink. Felt like my stomach couldn't quite take it though. Well... My stomach has been screwed up recently so...

Yeah. We talked about a lot. I complained about my work. And then we complained about the sad state of things in sg. And then she talked about her work, her future plans... Her girlfriend... And I lamented about how I'll probably never meet someone as long as I stay in sg. Because the selection pool of people is just so small. Not that there isn't any. And I've not even tried yet... But right now I can't even be bothered to and I feel pretty happy doing random crap on my own so I'm good. Doesn't matter that I'm missing the fertility window blah blah blah because I'm sure I don't want to have kids. Not even to adopt. Not that I have anything against kids but I'm just not good with them. And I won't be any sort of parent so yeah. Still a kid who wants to play around...

It was a really great, refreshing talk. Like... When was the last time I had such a great intellectual discussion? Oh. When unsup was still working here....

Like even when I hang out with my other jc friends... Some of them are more conservative, or we just have different opinions and interests and like... They just don't feel what I've felt, and therefore they can't understand what I'm talking about. Like the doctor who just like stability and she's surrounded by many other Singaporean doctors anyway so she doesn't realise how it's even possible that I'm one of the very few and rare Singaporeans in my workplace. They benefitted from the government, I suffered. Naturally our viewpoints will differ. So it's lik... While I totally understand them when they're talking about their work and all the medical lingo and stuff (I pride myself in being fairly well read/knowledgeable), they are pretty clueless when I try to explain to them about my work... Like I have to wash things down a lot. Like... sometimes I feel like I can't even get my sentiments across... Which is funny because the other ex-classmate I just hanged out with did econs and law. You'd think that medical doctors and scientists would be more alike.

But I suspect... The main culprit is the different mindset and viewpoint that we have. Mind is the 'less conventional', by the Singaporean yardstick that is. Heck. I've never been one for rules and all that crap.

Why I am trapped in this stupid island?

Trapped trapped trapped.

People's mindset are just so....

Arghs.

Like I told a friend's friend that I was making a Japanese learning website. He was like, oh cool, why don't you advertise it in comics con or something?

I was like... HUH? Firstly, I'm not appealing to the comics lovers. I have a different market. Secondly, I'm not even targeting Singaporeans! It's a website dude. Www. World wide web! Global man. Global. It has never once crossed my mind to do some sort of physical advertisements. Google. SEO. I was learning about those. And right now? The top no. of visitors comes from USA, followed by Indonesia, then Philippines, then Singapore... And a whole boatload of other countries. Countries don't even matter really. I'm targetting Arashi lovers. Full stop. Wherever they may be. That's my target audience.


So anyway... I was talking to my friend about unsup and the sups after that and all... And when I reached home after calling an uber for the first time... because I hardly go anywhere till past midnight when the trains stop running - because I don't hang that many people to hang out with, and my doctor friends either have an early start or are post call... I checked my mail and realise that unsup is alive! I mean, I got an email from unsup. Work related stuff of course. And then I managed to catch her for a bit earlier and we chatted. Mostly I chatted. And just spammed her. Tsk. I wonder if she finds me irritating or something... Cos I type so much. Well I can imagine she's busy with her baby and other stuff too, hence the short replies. But yeah. I'm the type who types about 10000x more than I talk... So when it's via a screen the words comes typing out (almost) uninhibited. And also because well... There's hardly anyone I can talk to about work who'd understand. That's why I rant here I guess. Shouting out into the ether for everyone, anyone to hear. Maybe because having no response is better than getting the wrong response. Like when you're looking for encouragement, they try to gently dissuade you instead.

Still happy about having met up 1 on 1 with that friend. Like the last time she came back we only had a group gathering and the topic was on stuff like western movies and actors and actresses, all of which I don't watch/know.

I was asking unsup if she has some ideas for a new blog url/name... And she's like, how do you even keep track of all your blogs! Well. Only some of them. The important ones. The others are just there, in the back of my mind... Ignored, most of the time.

And well...

Idk.

I like writing.

I like blogging.

I don't think it'll ever give me significant monetary returns to blog, but I can build up a following. Well, with a new topic and blogging style I think I'll build up a better following than NM anyway. I mean... I've met people on LINE over and over who knew thanked me for my work on SF, or were my fans, or really liked my fics. I actually have a following on LJ... Though you can say it'll be sad if I don't, considering how many communities I'm involved in and all.

But I'm pretty sure I can do that in other spaces too. I'm good at stuff like this. Like making a forum community vibrant and alive. I just have to find a way to capitalise on it. It's something that I really enjoy doing, and that I'm good at. If I can find a way to monetise it... I'm all set. Lol.

But yeah... I like doing blogs. Making LJ community. 'Meeting' new people online, gaining virtual fame. I just enjoy it. It's like... Kinda like a hobby maybe, but sometimes it's a hobby that has turned too serious and becomes a chore... Which is something that I do have knack of doing.

More importantly though... I'm bored I guess. Just bored. It takes so much to keep me entertained. My sis needed some help with her pysche stuff earlier and she had to program the questions for her pysche survey for the final year project and like... I got the problem broken down and understood and tried to explain it in a variety of different ways and yeah... It was just so clear to me but she couldn't see it. And I couldn't explain it better anymore so I just did my own stuff while she sat on my bed and huffed and puffed till she finally got it.

Like things that are obvious to me, common sense... Doesn't seem to be obvious or common sense to others. I even get bored at equipment trainings because they guys are so long winded and just by looking at the user interface I more or less got it already. I don't get why people ask those stupid questions that are so obvious, just as I don't get why my dad insists on questioning those sales person whom I can tell at a glance scarcely know about the product they are selling and it's better if I just read the box myself, and then getting almighty pissed when they can't answer his questions. Because geez, can't you tell they don't know shit? Just. Bored. I'm so fucking bored out of my mind half the time. That's why I'm always looking for something new to do or play... I should get deep into one thing instead but well... Idk. I need to find something that can really draw me in. Well, there's a lot actually. But not the things at work.

Boredom...

Yeah... That's why I do all these to keep myself entertained...So many, so many ideas...


So yeah. Two nice talks. Would love to meet up and talk more with that friend before she jets off to the world too far away again. (And yeah, although we're friends on fb and stuff, we just never chat online, lol...)

It's really late. I should sleep. But my sleep pattern has been messed up and I've been sleeping later than this for the last 4 days so yeah whatever.

Oh! Last thing. Gonna attend the talk by Prof. Helicobacter Drinker tmr. Excited! Should be really fun!

Hi all. It's been way too long since I posted here huh?

I wanted to post something last time... But! Because my macOS is on beta... Chrome crashes after a while when I make posts on LJ and all my drafts are not saved. So I got real pissed after my long, almost finished post was deleted and ended up not posting anything. Seems like it's ok with the latest beta release though. Phew. No more missing content.

Still having problems with my iOS beta updates. After beta 2 something broke inside and I can't do OTA updates anymore sigh. OTA = over the air. Cos beta updates... You can't get them through iTunes. So I'm hoping that I can update to the official public release using iTunes in a week or two. Else... It's gonna be a little troublesome...

I'm happily slacking at home now. 5 days. 5 days of mc. Hurrah! But why the mc? Cos I got my wisdom tooth extracted yesterday. All four of 'em. 3 via surgery and one via normal extraction. To say that my mouth hurts now is an understatement. Ok. It's not really painful now.... It was yesterday though and I had to take two types of painkillers. Will be another dose of the long acting painkiller soon. But well... My right cheek is super swollen and all numb from the swelling. And thanks to all that swelling, I can't bite because the extraction site has swelled too much. So yeah. No solid food for a bit. Hopefully it won't bleed much tonight. This morning I woke up stinking cos the bloody saliva had flowed down my face and onto my pillow. Which is to be expected and normal after wisdom tooth surgery... But well. It stinks, thanks to all the bacteria growth. Because of the blood I guess. I've been listening to a lot of microbio podcasts and apparently iron is a huge growth limiting factor for many environmental microbes. No doubt they were really happy to feast on my blood, hence the stink.

Oh. And my follow up appointment is next Monday. So no work on Monday either. Hurrah!

Work.

Well I know I wanted to post a massive rant about work last time. But then chrome crashed. And now I've forgotten what I was gonna say. But no matter. Because I have something new and even more ridiculous to post.

They have fucking installed CCTVs in every single lab, every single tiny room, facing every single lab bench... All over the lab. And all footage will be recorded, and they even installed a fucking huge monitor in the lab tech office for the sole purpose of viewing the footage. And I mean it when I say every single row of lab bench. There's a fucking camera every two steps when you walk down the corridor besides the lab bench. Every single fucking bench.

Wtf do they think this is?

Prison?

Wtf?

If they can't even trust us... Why hire us at all?

Why hire people at all?

They are treating us even worst than primary school kids.

Seriously wtf?

If you can't treat us like an adult, than no I'm not gonna act like an adult. I'll just slack and pretend to do work and take about 500% slower to do everything.

What the fuck am I even showing up to work for? Just to collect my salary, really. Total, total, waste of time. I can't stand working in this place anymore... But I can't be bothered to look for another job. I will just slack and recover my energies, and try to study for GRE and prepare for PhD program applications. I don't want to add to my stress anymore. I can't. I can't do this shit. Already my body is showing every sign of being overly stressed.

I feel mentally ok. Frustrated and all, but not really that stressed. But evidently my body tells me otherwise. Like it's been months since my period. And last month when I got the flu, it took over 3 weeks for me to recover. Three, fucking weeks. Ridiculous much?

Needless to say, when the clerk handed me the mc and I saw it says 5 days, I was overjoyed.

I even started translating parts of the Japonism concert last night. And today I'm doing loads of writing. Posting to SF, this blog... Gotta do a post (or two) to NM later on cos it's been a whooping two weeks since i posted there... Posted my Jun fic which I finished a while back, and advertised that and the Jun and Ohno fic exchange everywhere...

Finally sometime to sort out my life...


Sigh. I need to study for GRE. But I want to slack a little. But... There's no time. Sigh. Gotta make the best of this week...

Alright. Can't think of anything else to say for now... Japonism... I've talked about it in SF already and I'll post on NM about it as well...

Oh fics! My fic Nino's Butt make it into LJ's top 25 entries when I posted it on RNA. My first ever fic to achieve this status (I believe?) I'm totally, utterly amazed. I guess everyone likes a good smut huh? Thank you everyone!

Ah yes~!

Happy Birthday Jun!

Holiday is over.

Back to work...

Got a crapton of emails over the week... Sigh. Unsup raised a really pertinent point. It's the school holidays now and that means my new sup has a lot of time to bother about us. I need to dig up into the old data and stuff cos she wants a PowerPoint... Sigh. I don't remember a thing. Mainly because I was just so bloody focused on doing. Experiments after experiments. Data analysis is all outsourced to unsup. Great. Now I'll pay for my laziness. Sigh.

Then again. I don't really care anymore. I don't know what good will continue coming out from all these. Sure. She seems hopeful but hope alone gets you nowhere. We need the expertise. The equipment. The time. The money. And really, we have none of the first two.

Well at least she got my back with the admins so that helps a lot. Is it like that everywhere? Where the job of the hr and admins is to make your life as miserable and as gard as possible?

I get +^]%{>}%#>£€?]£!] questioned for buying things. For buying consumerables like pipette tips. The admin was demanding to know which project I'll be using it for. Like wtf? Pipette tips? Seriously? It's not even expensive compared to the other stuff I just got. And really pipette tips is like... Its like questioning someone why they are buying pen refills, and demanding to know which project/subject/whatever they are planning to use the pen for. So totally fucking ridiculous. As if locking up all the equipment and forcing people to book before they can use isn't ridiculous enough. I don't know about the other people but I for one feel a lot less motivated to use any of the locked equipment now. I'm even tempted to unplug the stupid box from the monitor. But why should I fucking bother right? I'm on core funding and the things are just done for record purpose only. But no. I won't be bothered to stay back late to get that confocal done. I'll just continue the next day and drag it on and on. They don't need to know how I've worked so hard till so late... And since I can't do it without signing up on some stupid system, I simply shan't work. Go home on time. Why should I even bother? I get paid the same either way. It's not like I'll get a PhD faster or I'll get more papers anyway. The benefits to me is the same. I'll be better off spending my energies elsewhere. Even writing fics. At least I get writing practice and that's a life skill that'll be useful anywhere and everywhere.

I'm surviving I guess. Not exactly thriving. Not exactly slack either. More like. I'm trying to cut as many corners as possible, or just keep putting things off till later because I don't fucking care and I've got a ton more interesting and fun stuff to do. Should I stay here or should I move on? I don't know. A day frankly I don't really care now either. For now I'm a lot more interested in trying to find out about myself. Trying to figure out my own ambitions. Because there's a much longer Road to go besides my short term job woes. And I have a job. I've not burned any bridges yet so I can continue working here. And just looking at the job openings... I don't feel motivated to apply to a lot of them because I can't see myself doing it for long sure. It's just a job. And I would apply if when I finally settle my new Mac and transfer all the data over so I can return dad his lappy. But more than the job application, I just keep trying to envision myself doing that sort of things for the rest of my life. Which is kinda what you get when you pick a PhD topic. At least for the next five years or so. I don't know. I'm still that little kid who wants to play. Forever 16. I just want to do my own random stuff. And I really like DOING the experiments. I don't know if life after a PhD is really what I want. Meh. Maybe I should actually go read some papers properly for once. And stop fooling around. Nah I can't stop fooling around. I just have a fool around less. I don't want to ever grow up. Fooling around is what gives me that craziness and passion for anything. Including life. I want to forever be the kid...

Sigh. Not looking forward to heading back to the office. Because that means I need to put together the PowerPoint. Meh.

Back in my reality once again. Holidays... I don't see them the way many people would. I can't say that I really love going abroad for vacations... Because I'm too lazy to make my own plans and do research for the most part. But when I go elsewhere... I don't know... How do others feel when they visit someplace? I don't have any expectations these days when I go on holidays. That means that I can't be disappointed. And unless I'm at a purely tourist only place say at genting Highlands... I just take in the way the place is... I'm constantly aware that all everything I see is part of someone else's reality. Something they see and go through everyday. And I note and observer the difference. The difference between their and my reality. And really there's no perfect life or perfect place. It all depends on your perspective, and how you want to nitpick. Or cherry pick. It all depends on your priorities and preference. Or maybe just your own experience and your own reality. Met an old Singaporean couple. The typical rich English and hokkien speaking variety who were comparing everything to Singapore... In a patronising manner. What's the point? This is a different place. A different country. Of course it's different. If you want the same, why bother hopping on a plane? Just stay home and perhaps can you shut up and leave us alone so my friend and very kind tour guide can continue telling me about this very place that you seem to hate so much? Such an embarrassment!

So here I am. Back to my reality. A reality where unsup will only appear in my dreams. As unsup was bringing me around... I can't ant help but think about how privileged I am to be there. Observing and watching their little family. How many people can say that they have seen their boss feed their baby? Definitely not many in sg. Things just don't work that way here. The gap. Like the sleeping Ohno and the focused and sharp guy during his solos in concerts. Two completely different person. The mother and the scientist. And the language used too. Her English automatically switches to standard English when anything scientific or about work appears. For me it depends on the other party. Because well. I work with all China Chinese now and we talk work in Chinese. Sigh. I miss the times when I'm talking science with unsup. In like, you know, good old English. Now everything is in Chinese. Yes even the meeting with the boss cos she's from China too. Bleah. Now my English speaking skills are deteriorating. Geez.

For the first time, I can really understand how artists visit places for inspiration. Because I kinda felt the same too. Something that i've been doing for a long time with people, the skill has now evolved to cover places too. We'll not that i've never been observatant. I've always been. It's just that i've only just become acutely aware of my ability.

I've had good teachers in the past. I still remember the comment by my sec three bio teacher in my report book. She wrote something along the lines that I love to stay on the side lines and observe. Yup, that's me. The observer. Just there, passively observing. Unsup is the really observant type too. But I'd say she isn't the passively observing type unlike me. And the things are notice and makes inferences about are different from me... But she has surprised me more than once about her observations about myself. Or maybe it's just intuition. I don't know. But it's surprisingly accurate it's stuff that no one else has ever noticed or said about me ever so thank you. All very timely observations too. Maybe because I don't have anyone in real life that I'm as close to now... Because I really don't have a social life. I don't like going out and meeting new people... Online it's different. I type more than I ever would talk. I can write things that I'll never be able to say. Even if the very same person will be reading it.

I gave unsup the links. For the same reason why I blog in the first place. I like to blog, even though most of the time it feel like shouting into the void... At least it isn't as bad in LJ because I have some lovely regular readers... Who reads through all my lengthy rants (hugs all of you), gets to the end, and make comments. It's really nice to know that you can writing for somebody. Even if I'm just ranting and getting things off my chest for the most part. It's still great to know that people read them. (To all my silent readers, care to drop a little comment sometimes?)

Unsup commented on how it's amazing that I have so many blogs...

Yeah... I'm amazed myself. And truthfully I can't even keep track of how many social media/blog stuff that I have...

Let's try and list 'em and see...

1) There's this. This LJ that you are reading now.

2) There's my random rants blogspot, that I've linked to in my very long winded intro post (that needs another update). It used to be my personal blog... But now most of my personal blogging stuff are here on LJ. I'd fully admit that it's hard to decide which goes where many a times. Which is why my blogspot has been neglected for the longest time.

3) There's my gaming blog. I have tons of screenshots from mobile games, that I should be blogging about... But I'm too lazy to sort out the photos and to blog them so... Screenshots and games have came and went. It used to be mostly about maple stuff, but I don't maple now anymore so... I still want to maple... And I actually can now, because I have an iMac with enough HD space... I just have to force Xp to install in it since bootcamp installation doesn't support Xp anymore (long ago actually) and I don't have any other newer windows installation disk. (Oh, and I need to buy a dvd drive first.) But yeah, hardly any updates here too.

4) There's my crafts blog. It's my latest venture actually. Posting my random attempts at making art. Unsup was amazed at my shrink wrap thing... As with someone who sent me an lj message over my holidays that I've yet to reply. And there I was thinking that I'm doing this really childish stuff as I sat there and mass produced rainbows to give away on storm freaks. I guess it's not that bad after all huh? Well... I did enjoy it though, and I really want to draw more... Some korosensei stuff maybe. Only that... Anyone cares to buy those stuff? Because I... Already have way too many things on my table... :X

5) Oh, there's Nihongo Manabu of course. I'll like to call it more like a website than a blog. It's my most serious venture to date and I'm back to making sure that I get at least a post on it every week.

6) Others... There's some other stuff that I have, a wordpress account... That I'm not really using for anything. Also an AO3 account, that has nothing there as well. And there's the science related cartoon sort of website that I have the idea for, but then I really, really can't draw... So till I get the time to learn to draw... All that's going to happen is that I'll fill up more notes about ideas that I want to draw, but can't.

7) Social media accounts... I'll put them all together because they aren't really blogs... But yeah there's instagram, fb, twitter, tumblr... weibo... what else? I don't know. I pretty much only use fb and insta. When I remember to, I post something on instagram, and the same photo gets crossposted to fb, twitter, and tumblr. One photo kills 4 birds. Nice.

Of course, that doesn't count the number of tumblr and twitter accounts that I have for my websites or Lj communities. Gah. The Arashi bangumi comm and all it's related social media accounts have been abandoned for a really long time now. I'll get around to reviving it soon... I hope.

8) LJ communities. Now this is actually a lot. And takes up a lot of time. Or took. Because I've not subbed anything in ages.

There's...
DNA. My first ever community. And to those who are trying to find it... I'll be really nice and give you a little hint... Check my profile... It'll take you a while to find it but your heroic efforts shall be rewarded. Well, this one has been in a deep freeze for really long now. I've not even had the time to watch any arashi shows. Let alone do subs. So yeah.

RNA. Check my side bar link. It's there. It came after DNA and it's for me and octavia to dump all our fics. All our nicest and craziest creations, and everything else in between. Was also in the deep freeze for about half a year... Till I got some new ideas recently... And like an manic artist I get writing cycles too... And now I seem to be in the height of my literary cycle so I'll try and make the most of it and write as much as I can before it disappears... On it's own accord or due to external influences... (e.g. work)

Arashi bangumi. I came into this one. The original owner isn't into Arashi anymore so she gave it to me for care taking. But then I got really busy too... So yeah... I'll try and revive it again soon.

Storm Freaks. My latest venture... Together with a ton of other lovely mods, who keeps the community alive by posting things that are actually Arashi related. Like Arashi news. Instead of just making up random games like me. (And unsup gave me a nice activity idea, only that it's something I can't carry out because I can't draw. Arashi coloring pages! I'll have to get some artist to draw the thing for me or something.) Thankfully it was a joint venture with many other fans, because otherwise it'd be completely neglected for months...

I guess that about covers it for my LJ communities...? 4 comms... I think that's all the comms I've got/am involved in? Lol. Too many things, I don't even remember... I would have completely forgotten about arashi bangumi if I wasn't making this... (oh, did I mentioned that I had an alternate fb account where I used to post my maple stuff? But is now completely abandoned?)

Meh. I want a staycation... Not even a vacation really, too many online 'duties' to do. Sometimes I think I'm really trying to do too much. All at once. Like trying to study for GRE and JLPT at the same time. Not working well, because it's much easier to study fro GRE since I went out to buy English guide books (even though like, the vocab is really no different from the ones in the book my friend gave me years ago, but that thing is in Chinese.) On the other hand, studying for JLPT grammar is bad. The book is freaking from a Taiwan publisher, and that means it's in Traditional Chinese... and sometimes I get really frustrated because some word that I can't figure out appears... And I have to write the word on my phone to look up the Simplified Chinese word... And then maybe I'll end up even more frustrated because I don't know the meaning of the word at all. Even in Simplified Chinese. Lol. Then I'll be trying to make notes in Japanese, Simplified Chinese, and English. Too $!$!! frustrating and confusing. I spend more time on figuring out the Chinese than the Japanese sometimes. But I checked, they don't carry English Japanese grammar books so... Arghs. And Japanese does translate better into Chinese than English... But meh. I should check out that Tae Kim's grammar guide again. Sigh. 1 month. I really need to study hard or I'll fail this thing. N1 is really a little out of my reach. Vocab wise it's still not toooo bad, but grammar is a little too hard. Oh wells. Let's see how much energy I have left after work to study... My weekends are too packed with *other* duties, and I can't study for really long stretches anyway. More like. Since when do I ever study. Oh wells. Let's see if I can pull a miracle. Lol. I have to stop myself from studying GRE now... Because there's really no time left if I want to pass JLPT. And I want to. So yeah.

Sigh.

In the meantime. I really should get started on making the PowerPoint but...

So lazy. So lazy. I just want to write. My literary bloom is in full swing right now and that means my science levels have dipped. Nah. It's just an excuse. I don't want to do work. Meh. Can't things go back to the pre-unsup days where I just sit around and write fanfics and nobody remembers my existence, and when I have absolutely, I mean literally no work to do. No presentations to make, no papers to be read, no experiments to be carried out, and no quotations to ask for. Meh. Guess it's not possible since they don't have any bio person around anymore. And I just found out, because the equipment support person mentioned it to me, and sent me a photo... That I've apparently been named the person in charge of a whole host of equipments. What the heck? I never heard anything about it from anyone before... Sheesh... I don't even know much about most of the equipment... and in the case of the DGGE, I've never even used it before. Lol. What a joke. That just about sums up everything here. I'm the PIC because there's no one else around. Because no one else does molecular bio stuff. Lolololol. It's like, I'm the king of everything because no one else uses it. The FIA, the qPCR... Even the confocal it's pretty much just me and the phd student using it. I didn't see it in the photo the person sent me, but she told me that I was put in charge of some microscope too. Lol. I don't even know which. And I'm not even really good at using the light microscope... And I've only used the stereo microscope once, and the inverted microscope like never. So I may well have been put in charge of a microscope that I've never used before. Hahaha. I still need to figure out the stupid light microscope and wet mounts. I can't find my bacteria babies on wet mounts sigh. And I don't get how the disk at the very bottom, below the light source works. Lol. Have to figure it out. And still can't find the focus on wet mounts. Lololol. That's probably the last thing I should figure out before I leave this place... Whenever that will be. Well I should at least try the bioanalyzer that unsup had been busy promoting... But yeah... Oh yes... I still have no idea whatever enzymes she bought are kept. I don't care about the results really. I just want to try running that thing so that I'll remember how to use it better. But the damned wet mounts gosh. On filters and with dapi? Easy peasy... But oh you damn wet mounts... I should try a smear first... But then again I don't have trouble finding the focal plane with those cos there's just so much stuff to see, you can't miss it. Sigh.

At least I think I've mastered the art of looking through the microscope with both eyes. Lol.

Hmph. It's late now... What should I do... think i'll just flip my lab notebooks and slink around and stretch my pathetic, aching limbs. I swear unsup was out to kill me on tuesday... Yes it was great fun but geez do you know how unfit I am?

Meh. And I forgot how to do nested pcrs again... Hmm do I use the same primer twice, or a different primer... meh. I'll figure that out next time. Lol. Maybe I should just give up and write the legend of shabu shabu till it's time to go home. Meh.

I'm not making any sense anymore so I'll give up and stop here.

On lj.

Let's see. I've said my piece here and made peace with my inner demons (sort of?) on LJ.

I mean. I've finally recorded my week and my feelings... So that in the years to come I may look back and read it.

Or maybe even write a book on it.

Then there's the DNA applications that I've finally settled. After a whole month.

Well,RNA needs a new fic... But fic inspiration ain't coming if I don't watch any Arashi stuff. And that's not gonna happen any soon till my real life gets sorted out. Which might not happen for a whole year. Idk.

Finally updated the masterpost on arashi_bangumi.

Ah... There's a post that needs writing tmr on SF. And I need to count the points... And somehow we gotta get a new cycle started but right now all the mods are busy. J just got a new job, octavia's looking for one, as with me...

What else do I have on lj?

I think that's about it?

Gosh. Too many things.

Of cos there's my NM to update. And my arts and crafts site that I've neglected for a few weeks already...

Sigh.

Things are gonna turn out just fine...

All I need to do is get things done one step at a time...

Dead, gone, forever and ever.

Shitanuri
30th May 2014 to 17th Feb 2015

I can't say that I'm sad. Because we all knew it was coming. It was already dead for such a long time... but finally J pulled the plug. And no all traces of it woul dbe gone forever. It didn't even last a year... and freaking speaking, the only subs that were good were the ones done, or greatly edited by yours truly. The rest... you can say they were too busy fighting ghost enemies to care about the subs quality. And entrusting everything they do to God, and believing that he will help you when you don't even help yourself. *shrugs* I don't want to say anymore because I have NOTHING against religions or Gods... whichever God you worship. I only have something against some people. Maybe someday God wil open her eyes. But then again, God will not force you to see what you do not want to see, God will not force you to believe what you do not want to believe...

It was kind of sad then. To think that I was hoping to improve the standard of the group, of everyone... but some people just could not get the jealousy out of their eyes, and everything just fell to naught. I didn't even get to 'meet' half of them?

I'm still really glad though, that STNR happened, and I chanced upon it and God gave me the opportunity to meet two really wonderful, delightful ladies.

I think God gives everyone many opportunities. Whether you take them up or pass them by, the choice is yours.

You thought they've improved now. Till you argue with someone about what they said and realized they got the translation completely wrong. A simple sentence, with simple grammar, but the meaning was completely opposite. Not hard to tell from the context too...

And then you wonder just what has changed.

And then you think about how many people will end up learning the wrong thing, because they are learning the language while watching.

And then you shake your head and sigh, while they are probably celebrating in delight at how popular they are, how many replies they got.

*Sigh*