To be Free

Hi ya all! It's been so long since I visited livejournal, or dreamwidth... I've almost forgotten about this place completely... Just looked at the stats and saw that... Wow. I've made over 800 posts in here... I sure did post a lot, once upon a time.

I recently decided to start blogging again. I really enjoyed writing, and talking about random stuff... And that's what I am doing in my new substack over here. 

Of course my life has changed quite a bit since the LJ/DW days... Work still is taking up a big part of my time... But I've also been doing a lot of art... I'm posting all my art (all the art that I want to share with the world anyway) on my Cara account...

It would be awesome if you could check out my substack and Cara!

I guess I'd just leave a quick update here as well, since I'm here already. Lots of ups and downs with work.... Some massive life changes coming up as well. Including how I now have a mortage to pay... No. I am still not married nor dating. But yeah... *some* life changes indeed. Had some bad time at work in a previous project... Recently I was worried about my current job and how long I'd still have it for, because my contract ends end of Nov this year... But it seems like my boss will still want me around and I'll still have a job afterwards.... Been trying to help write a proposal as well... So that made me feel a lot better, especially since the mortage will start from... Probably next month onwards? Yeah. 

Not sure what else to say... Oh yes. Lots of health changes as well. I'm definitely getting old... Sigh. Time flies huh? I guess I'll just end this here. I just wrote a rather lengthy post on my substack - the post is scheduled for this Sunday, but I've got another post scheduled for tomorrow, and lots of previous posts about my life etc... If anyone is still interested.

So erm... That's it for now I guess? Till next time! And see you around substack maybe?

Edit: Ahhh looking at all the tags... And the feels.. T.T I miss Arashi... When will they come back?   

Ok. I just hit the delete all button in my inbox because... I don't think there's anything outstanding in there, not that I can remember of... Not like 1 year after the fact.. Or something like that.

I wonder how many people are still on DW now... After Arashi got on to SNS, the way we get news about Arashi changed too. We can hear directly from them, no need to wait for news reports, TV or magazine anymore... So, how many ppl are still on DW? Especially considering how DW isn't the most updated of sites... Idk... How many people are still here, reading this? Lol.

Have not been that religious in clearing my email inbox though. Did bring it down to 60+ from 200++ earlier, but I do need to make a concerted effort to keep clearing it or it piles up quickly! I should unsubscribe from more stuff so that I don't get so much mail in the first place but... Oh wells.

Anyway. I've been trying to improve my typing! Speed and accuracy! And I've decided to fix my right hand finger placement lol. Finally using my right pinkie. Previously everything was kinda shifted down so my fourth finger was the one pressing P and what not... Just really a bit messy. Trying to get the better habits to stick and then slowly improve my speed. I want to get an average of 70 wpm on typing tests lol. Even now I still hit the backspace button with my ring finger, and instead of the right hand hitting the Y button, usually my left does it, and vice versa for the B key. And other little things that doesn't really conform to the 'proper' method. But I'm just leaving it be. Some are way more comfortable for me, like using the index finger for the C key. I don't think it impacts my typing speed that much. My left hand is doing pretty ok, right hand is the troublesome one because it's been 'misbehaving' for years... Oh wells.

And as for tired. Idk why exactly. But I was just exceptionally tired today. Didn't sleep any later than normal too. Was tired before the computation meeting. Computation meeting was really dry today, almost feel asleep during the meeting... And then I feel asleep in the covid-19 related talk after dinner. Lol.

Haven't touched python in a week again, not since last Friday. Weekend I took a break, then I got news from my boss on Monday that the paper was accepted in principle. And that meant we had to do all the final edits, checking little things to make sure they conform to the journal's standards... And preparing more documents for submission. I guess I've been reading a lot of stuff in the past few days. The same few documents over and over and over again but... Yeah. It's like. It wasn't even that intense. But still tired all the same. And we did work on stuff till late. Like, not intense, but spread out over a long time period. Was working on stuff till 11pm yesterday and even then I wasn't the hardworking one... I finished up just before 11 maybe and sent it off, and the other guy worked on it further till like 12 mn and sent it out to everyone... So maybe that's why. Nowhere near the workload of my dad though. Things have been crazy for him the past few weeks. The difference between a good boss and a bad boss. His boss calls meetings late at night, way past office hours. Calls meetings at 5pm "because you all are not going out anyway". Abuse I tell ya. Abuse. And that's the least of it, really. Loads of other stupid things they have to do that would have make me blown my top long ago. But dad puts up with it for the family. Arghs. Sigh. Cos my pathetic salary is too low to support the fam and I have NOT been managing my money properly. The sad truth. Yes the way things happen in Asian countries and I'm not gonna discuss the difference between Asian and western societies today...


In other news. We are gonna be entering the 2nd half of the circuit breaker period next week. The extended half. That means that gosh. I only have one month left and there's most likely not going to be another extension. Not unless we see a sudden explosion of community cases, which is unlikely to happen too because of the 'lockdown' measures in place. Gosh. With the rate of my python learning... I'm not even going to finish that one course I'm taking now. And now the bioinformatics course my workplace organised just started too. That means more stuff for me to do. Things were still quite leisurely the first two weeks of WFH but it suddenly picked up last week and this week. Lol. I mean, with all the document checking and proofreading and other preparations this week, I barely had time for any 'extra curricular activities'! And it's even worse too because I just have dinner and continue with work. But meh. It doesn't matter. It's the freaking last stage of the paper publishing and this very well concerns my future too. In a more round about way but still does. Paper means it's easier for my boss to get grants. Which means he has the money to hopefully keep me under him and not have to go under another grant that makes me having to end up working for someone else. Nope, I would not like that at all. But currently that's the plan because... Arghs. Yeah. The money for my grant ends in just two month's time. So what's gonna happen to me afterwards? I have no idea. Will the other project people make me work on their stuff full time? I do not know. Complicated situation indeed arghs. That would impact on whether I'll be able to make the switch to dry lab stuff too, so indeed, there is so much at stake for me here. I don't mind working for the other post doc too, he might get a grant too but he proposed hiring post docs... If he can't get a post doc maybe, just maybe, he can hire me instead. Put me under that grant. I follow people. That guy is also an ok guy to work with. My boss's best buddy. Never more than 5 mins apart. Ok, exaggerated but they are almost always together. Lunch. Desks next to each other. One would suddenly turn to the other to discuss some stuff... Whatever. Best buds indeed. And then there's me sitting behind them who's also been joining in for their lunches. Been pretty much the three of us for the past few months. Timing works out and all? And I do like the conversation. Generally intelligent conversation. Whereas with the girls it's usually some kind of gossip or funny non-work related stuff. I really enjoy it too, don't get me wrong... But somehow I just prefer the boys. I get to hear about my boss's plans and stuff too, and other insider info.

Meh. The situation in the lab is really. Meh. Bad. Like our project manager just sent out an email asking people to keep out boss informed if the collaborator side leader asks them to do anything, because my boss was totally cut off from that discussion. Like arghs wtf. Those workers are hired by my institute and their reporting officer is still my boss, our boss. But the collaborator just bosses them around like his own and worse still, completely cut off my boss from the discussion. Tell me why I shouldn't be worried! Arghs! He's taking over the lab! The good and bad thing about having a boss that's too nice huh. Oh wells. All I can hope is that he's able to get more funding soon. Oh wells. You take their money, you pay the price. Money makes the world go round. Those without money like myself can only grit and bear with it. No money, and I got no title and no power too. Nothing. At least with grants there's no one planted in by the grant agency to plot a lab takeover. Sigh. That's why I will do everything I can, as limited as it might be, to help my boss to that front. Because, at least for now, I think he's a boss worth working for. I see the potential in him. He's not perfect but he has the ideas. And he's generally a damn bloody nice person to work with. I hope things won't change in the future... But certainly for now I'm willing and able to give me all. Probably my last hurrah in the lab too. Lol. After this job. Idk. Might be my last job, my last lab in science. Not the first time I've said it, but this is no empty thought! Especially with the opportunity to switch to doing dry lab now. It may just been what's needed to aid my exit. And I don't think it was a lack of foresight that my boss basically just pushed me into doing dry lab. I'm pretty sure I spoke to him about my computation plans for the future during one of my long and drawn out messaging sessions with him. I really do communicate with people through messages than face to face. All the things I've said to my boss through whatsapp. Lol. I can't imagine doing that with any one else. No even with unsup I think. I really like and respect her a lot, we were good friends and we still keep in contact till this day. But to speak that frankly to her? I don't know... The situation then was very different for sure... But I can't imagine typing so frankly to her either. And my sup at kkh? Lol. He reprimanded me for WAY LESS. Like literally called into the office while on leave, and gave me a scolding. I scolded him back. Lol. Ok I did apologize, kept the peace somewhat, but I also left him with a piece of my mind. Can't criticize that guy in the slightest bit. Lol.

Yeah. I think that's what I enjoy the most about working with my boss. I can be rather opinionated at times, and I swear that I do think through most of it calmly and logically before voicing them out. I mean. I'm typing it out after all. I have the time to slowly think and reply. And so I hate it when people just dismiss my suggestion right off the bat. Don't listen. I hate, hate, hate that. Oh worse still are those who ask for advice and then ignores it. And gets questioned the same thing a few weeks later why they didn't try xyz, which I suggested long ago. And then those other people get the credit for suggesting it later on. Arghs. Some post docs are stupid. Really.

Not looking forward to returning to the lab really. There's just too much shit going on with all the collaborators. The external and internal ones. Arghs. So much shit. Really really hate it. Really would have left if my boss wasn't the boss he is. I don't think anyone else, anyone else that I know of anyway, would be able to keep the group together. And even then I would say the group as a whole is barely functioning. It's all separated, broken up into tiny pieces. Sigh. I really can't imagine where the lab would be, what things would be like in 2 or 3 years time. Would things be better or worse? What I do know is that the situation is similar to that with unsup years ago. The moment she said she's leaving, I knew my time was up and I should also leave. I just took way longer to find my next gig then. This time round... It's the same. If my boss decides to leave tomorrow... I'm gonna have to take a long time to evaluate my options. Assuming that following him to his next place of employment isn't possible... I would have to look at my bank account and consider my options. Do I really, really want to continue working in the lab/a lab? How much programming do I know? If it's *tmr* I would hardly know anything, so a career switch to programming isn't quite possible/practical. But if that day comes a year down the road, it could be a possibility.

And how about art? Block printing? I made some nice cute prints that I seriously, honest to goodness think is on the level that people sell for money. But of course I doubt that can feed me. Maybe feed me 1 day out of the month maybe. Lol. What I would need to do is to properly come out with a product and marketing strategy and join hands with my currently unemployed sister to do the art. She can draw. Me? Meh. More like a kindergarten doodle, though my skills might have been improving ever so slightly. Honestly, the idea of doing something different is more appealing than working in the lab, most likely as a slave to another post doc, because that's how things usually roll in other labs. Idk. It's like, in a way I'm also my boss's slave? But then again not because he gives us so much freedom. We can do whatever. Not like some post doc I know. She has a meeting with her research officer daily, and gives her the list of tasks for the day, and the tasks must be performed in the exact order and manner specified, even if the RO believes it's not going to work or like doing A and B can be done together rather than separately, or that doing E and D before lunch first makes more sense. Nope. Her word is LAW wtf. That idiot of a post doc. Nope, my boss doesn't do that. And generally he asks things in a nice way so you are willing to do stuff for him too. Unlike some other person in my lab who is totally rude about things arghs. Think's she's the boss of EVERYBODY. Even shouts down my boss who has been talking to her most very politely wth. Arghs. All sorts of characters in my lab. Arghs.

Ok. Ranted enough for now. I'mma go back to my R lessons. Starting with R for my bioinformatics/computation course thing. Got assignments to do and submit too! And well. I DO want to learn so... Gotta get to it.

Hellow people! An update yay!

Sorry, I know I've got loads of comments in the previous post that I did not reply to (heck, don't think I replied to any of them?) I did read them though, I got the email notification and all. But... Life... :X

How are ya all doing? I was just checking the numbers a few minutes ago and woah. 1.6mil cases worldwide, and half a million in the US. I'm not a fan of Trump and part of me goes 'serve ya right!' but damn. I have friends in the US, the US is way more than just Trump (I know loads of nice ppl online from there, Arashi fans and non-fans alike!), and he's really not even the one suffering anyway. The frontline staff, the sick and the dying... And hell, it's not just about the US. If the US or any other country doesn't come out of the covid situation, then it's an international problem. Because trade and movement of human traffic is global! And Singapore is such a connected country/economy... Even our food supplies are global. If this drags out... Nope, we could well be in big trouble.

Locally though, things have not been good either. No, we aren't in trouble the way things are in Italy or Spain or New York is... Yet. And I hope we won't ever get there. But there has been community spread. Not too much, but more than enough to warrant a 'lockdown'. The Singapore flavor of lockdown has been termed 'circuit breaker', and folks are still allowed to go out to get food and essentials. Non-essential workplaces have all been closed - you can only work from home (or not at all, depending on what your job is).

Honestly for me though... I've been enjoying my first week of WFH. Ok. I've not really been working from home at all.

Let's see what I've been doing.

Circuit breaker (CB) was announced Fri afternoon. I started packing my room on... Saturday I think? Or Sunday. Loads to do. I've not properly packed in years so... Tons of dust and hair and whatever not. TBH there is still loads of areas that I've not packed/touched, but I've decided to call it a day for now. Gotta do something other than cleaning up years of dirt during my CB staycation. Plus, motivation to clean was running low.

So Monday was back to work to shutdown everything in the lab. Freeze down the cells. Off the hoods, incubators... Empty the waterbaths. Make sure our microscope lasers are off. Restart my PC and pray that nothing goes wrong for the one month (or however long) the CB lasts. So that I can remote in from home and do whatever work that needs doing ya know?

What can a wet lab folk do at home ya ask? Well... I'm in a very complicated situation right now. (More on that later)

Ah yes... On Friday night, after the CB was announced, I made up my mind to order a Dell refurbished lappy right away. Have been thinking about getting one since last year. Wanted a windows this time. And kept putting it off because I don't truly, absolutely need it. But... when the split teams started before the CB took place... I started wondering if I should get it now. And then bam. 'Lockdown'. Yup. Time for a new lappy. Ordered on Sat morning cos the chat line was closed when I finally made the decision late fri night, and got it on wedn. So far so good EXCEPT the damn on/off switch. It kinda gets stuck. There's one year warranty on this guy. I think I'm gonna make a complain about the on/off button once things normalize, hopefully in a few months time. I think the button can last till then? Definitely gotta get it fixed before my 1 year warranty runs out! I'm planning to use this lappy for many many years to come after all!

So I kept packing till Thursday? Took some time off Wedn to set up my lappy and stuff. Turns out msoft auto gives you a username if you use the online account thingy. I didn't like the username used. Ended up deleting the account and starting over... So that took a bunch of time.

But the packing. I consider it done now! Now I have SPACE. Space on my table to write. To put my ipad. To put my lappy. To put my plate as I munch on breakfast since dad is also working from home now, and since the whole house is so messy and all and he doesn't have a dedicated work area, he's using the dining table... So yay. I like being able to munch on breakfast while reading stuff on my phone/ipad/mac/lappy/whatever. Clearing emails maybe. Or doing my 'dailies' for my games... Suits me just fine. And I really do like munching while working. Whether I'm reading stuff or doing more heavy duty work.

So yesterday was good Friday. I got animal crossing and pretty much 'wasted' my entire day playing. Also did some (offline) writing. Now that all my art stuff is organised and that I have space and time... I'm back in the journaling/writing mood again, yay me! Been doing some sit-ups too. Maybe I'll have a wee bit flatter stomach when all this is over.

Definitely been enjoying my staycation so far!

So there's what, 3 weeks left.

Geez. Time flies when you are having fun. Or being busy. 1 month seems long but nope. 1/4 of it just flew by like this.

Gotta say I secretly, or not so secretly hope that my staycation will be extended lol. Yeah there's all that economical impact and all... But that aside, I *personally* am very much enjoying this stay at home arrangement.

It couldn't have come at a better time for my group, or at least, the few of us on this project. Really. Why? For the past few months we were crazy, rushing about to wrap up the paper... Doing last minute experiments and what not. Then just as the split teams stuff came into place we heard back from the reviewers and were rushing about to do all the additional experiments for the reviewers. And that was quite crazy, working till late everyday, yes, even on weekends, partly because we were on half the manpower. We literally worked till the last minute possible, even doing experiments on Monday morning during the shutdown day. And now... The reply and manuscripts are being finalized... And we can all go on a break while keeping our fingers crossed that the paper will be published.

Of course, it's not like I don't have work either. Till now I've still not properly looked at all the datasets I collected in a rush prior... And no I'm talking about for a different project now... I need to do some summaries and all...

And after that comes the main part. I need to learn snake language. Python.

Boss has been wanting to have me switch to computation (partly because I also want it), but these kinda stuff... It's really easier said then done. Like. He's like... Oh just collaborate with ppl and do stuff. But what kind of stuff? And collaborate with ppl meaning get them to write the code for me? Than what's the point? The whole damn point is that *I* want to learn computing. So this is really a godsend month for me to at least increase my python computation prowess by a little bit. And hell yeah I'm not gonna let this chance slip me by.

In fact... I do keep wondering if I should join in the team to put together covid test kits in my institute. My friend is in there already and some other folks from my lab have joined/wants to join. In a way I feel guilty maybe? I definitely have the skills for the job. But routine sort of work isn't something I like to do, as my time in the hospital has proven. I don't want to end up in a mental rut again. And heck, it's not like I've got nothing better to do. I really do want to and do intend to get ahead on the python stuff. And I don't think that's possible if I have to spend half my time in shift work assembling kits and I don't know what exactly else they are doing. I don't even want to ask my friend... Or talk to her about it. Maybe that's a bit extreme huh? I should ask her how she's doing. Doesn't mean that asking her will lead to me joining the effort right? Though I've not been talking to her much at all because of other reasons altogether. Being crazy busy has been one of them.

But yeah... There's that. Maybe if they send out another email asking for manpower I will reconsider. It seems like they have enough manpower for now because I've not heard anything other than an initial email. After all... RNA extraction, running PCR... All these are very common lab skills that many folks in the institute process. It's not like I'm all that almighty and can bring something unique to the table. I work fast yes, but I don't think them folks are slouches either... *shrugs* Was already thinking about it when the first sent out the email but meh... That was during the mad rush to do reviewer experiments... I wonder how my boss would react if I told him I wanted join 'team c' then. LOL. I guess the post doc would have to do everything, but he's still rather new and not fully comfortable with some stuff yet.

Ah wells. I hope that I can properly recuperate in this month. And learn code. My boss specifically mentioned learning code in his email to the group. Feels like he was talking directly to me LOL. Knowing him, he probably was LOL.

Definitely enjoying my time at home. If I could be a little selfish... I'd like this to last a little longer. Getting back into the groove of doing things like journaling and art and what not. Just gonna start with the coding stuff right now. Feels so nice, this working from home thing. Now if only I can get my act together and start up an alternative career/business... I could enjoy this lifestyle forever! Lol.

The pros of being an introvert huh? While people are posting ways to entertain themselves at home for the CB period... I have a WHOLE 6 pages or longer worth of to do list... From work/learning to reading books and doing art. Lol! One month is definitely not enough to do all of that! At least I've cleared a huge item on the list of packing my room and tables! Phew.

Alright. That's all from me for now.

Please stay safe, stay at home, wherever you are! And if you don't have a pile of 'to do at home' list like I do... Maybe it's time to create one. And to get you started... Arashi has posted the Untitled concert on youtube! I watched the DVD previously already, but I've not watched the youtube posting. Not sure if I would, to be honest... Considering my long to do list... :P

How’s everyone?

 

Life has been amazing. I’m loving my new iPad Pro... As my mac becomes slower and slower... I’m using my iPad more and more as my laptop replacement. It can’t do EVERYTHING my mac can, but it can get a lot done, and way faster. Oh my poor mac. I really should like... Reinstall the OS from scratch or something but that’s really a lot of work. I’m oh so very lazy....

 

Like watching Arashi bangumi livestream. I start the live stream on my mac. 5 mins later, it’s still not loaded. I start it on my iPad and it’s there. Video playing almost instantly. I’ve now given up on trying to watch it on my ‘puter.

 

If I had more $, I’d get a new ‘puter, and a new lappy too. Love the Dell lappy that my boss has. XPS 15. So sleek and so beautiful. Too bad I don’t have the $. Else I’d get the Dell. If I were a millionair... I’d fill my house with ‘puters and other electronics. Gosh, I’m such a geek.

 

Life has been great.

 

I getting pretty darn close with my boss. My brother. My... Friend. Yeah... Above all else, a trustworthy friend.

 

I can totally see why my colleague gets pissed at him sometimes. It’s mostly because it’s a guy thing, and guy are not like girls and they do stuff like disappear for lunch without bothering to check if anyone else in the office might join them. Like one moment my boss was telling me about how he had a meeting from 11 to 12 and hoped to still join us for lunch, but the next he’d disappeared for lunch with another colleague without checking if I’m still in the lab... Geez. And there I thought he’d check because like he was with me right up till he had to go for the meeting. And his laptop was in the lab with me... And stuff. Luckily he replied the moment I messaged him. And ordered lunch for me. Geez. This is the kind of stuff that would certainly make my colleague very upset.

 

But at the same time. Maybe it’s just because he’s so freaking nice that yeah we expect too much. From a boss that is. Would you demand the same from your boss? I think about some of the high up there bosses I’ve had previously and lol... I don’t even want to lunch with them. How many people can actually say that they willingly lunch with their boss almost everyday? We’re lucky people. And me and my colleague knows that. It’s just that you know... Since my boss treats everyone equally and walks the talk, we treat him equally too and reflect things back to him. Well at least I do. Like... How should I put it? How to deal with ladies kind of thing? Sure as a boss he doesn’t need to do any of that. But as the nice human being that he is... He could be a bit more aware of certain things...

 

Arghs idk. He’s my boss. But for the most part, he’s not behaving like a boss. Something that absolutely sucks if you have people who take advantage of his kindness. But with a group of self motivated, mature and intelligent adults, it works amazingly well. Idk about EVERYONE else in the group, but I think it works for my above mentioned colleague, and it definitely works for me. Fuck, I’m crazy about science again. The passion, excitement, and craziness... It’s been restored. I’m becoming whole again. And the crazy thing is that my boss just let’s me explore. Do shit. Like set up lasers. Even attempt to do some coding stuff, which I absolutely couldn’t do. And then I just watched as he got the pro aka his pet to fix it. Like this is amazing shit right? Any lesser boss would have just shooed me away and demanded that I do something more... Idk, useful? With my time. Not let me learn new things. Purposely prevent me from developing for fear that I may eclipse them and what, take over their jobs. As was the case in my last job. Still very traumatized. But nope. My boss isn’t like that. He’s smart and calm and secure and open. And well, he’s smart. Not the know it all sort of smart, but that he knows what he can and can’t do and therefore he needs to hire people to fill the gaps. And after all he’s only one. He can’t do kage bunshin and make a million clones and do EVERYTHING by himself, as some stupid, insecure supervisors *cough cough* tried so hard to do.

 

Ahhh... I’m in such a happy place now, such a happy land. Especially now that I’m not on any particular project and just doing random (but very useful and necessary) shit around the lab. Like moving the scope over and now fixing on the new lasers. My boss is amazing. And there’s nice people in the lab too, mostly. And I’m laughing all the time with them, being social once again... And gasp even recalling the days past when I was a leader. It’s... It’s like I’ve been born again. I love it.

 

Work.

 

It fills my head everyday. Even when I’m not working I still think about it. Not necessary the experiment and the science, but maybe some issues and what not. Oh the fun and the excitement. I love it. Finally life has meaning once more and I finally found something to be grateful for everyday - grateful that I got his boss, that my boss hired me, that he’s such an amazing boss, that things are finally working out. Heck. I could stay in this job, this position forever. After the previous job, I’m putting my mental health above all else. After all, nothing matters when I’m dead. Money? It’s useless to the dead right? I’m lucky. I’m not starving. My parents are not starving. We aren’t that desperate for money. We aren’t in a situation where I’d take ANY job to be able to stay alive. I get to choose. And I’m picking a job that let’s me feel alive.

 

Things are very complicated though. Even my free wanderer status won’t last forever. Once this scope is completed I won’t get the chance to work with my boss in the lab like this again, not for a long time. And as he gets busier, such a chance is only going to decrease. I think that’s why he enjoys it a lot as well. He loves being in the lab, doing stuff, but these days he’s only in the office writing code, if he’s not dealing with the admin stuff and everything else a PI needs to deal with that is. Like I see him going into the lab and he’s enjoying himself too. And that really made me fired up too. Was showing someone from another lab wet lab stuff and I was itching to finish it asap because my little boy was downstairs and all alone. Well, it seems like he’s someone who gets lonely very easily and seems to like my company... But I also like his and I know how short our time working together like that in the lab will be. Once everything is all set up, it’s gone. And I’ll go back to the wetlab. No more lasery stuff to tinker with. I treasure every moment I’m working with him. I want to savor it all and remember it... Because he’s my boss. I really enjoy his company... And he’s a master, a genius. By no means perfect and a bit stupid at times (aren’t we all a bit dumb at times, unable to see what’s right in front of you?)... But the passion radiating off him... In a very gentle, perhaps even subtle way, but I can feel it pulsing there all the same. Arghs. That. That is what I live for. What I want to feel. To work with a similarly passionate person. I enjoy it so much. To see him in action was a privilege. Now I get to work alongside him? Helping him and what not? Gah. WTF man, this job just gets better and better. I thought watching him work on the scope last time was freaking amazing already. Like he actually freaking showed me on the scope and imaged the samples for me ok. Which boss actually does that right? Like to just see his mighty fast clicks and moves and what not. It was so inspiring. And now this whole laser stuff it totally ignited me. Like I was in this job for over half a year then but still there was something missing. I was enjoying work, enjoying life, but still, there was something missing. But then when I worked with him on the lasers, I found it. The passion. The fire. I felt it and I could feed off him. The fire that had fizzed out was finally ignited once more. And now he has a fiery little dragon who needs to get fed a lot to stay happy. And he’ll have to deal with that. But he also manages to keep finding new stuff for me to do, at least for now. So that’s good. If not well... There were a few days when I had nothing to do and was just bored right. I could read stuff, but there was also nothing much else to do so... Blah. For now, I just wanna have all the fun I can. Don’t want to stop. Collect all the fun, and think about what’s next later. Ain’t got any plans. Part of it is how boss wants to use me. I’m still not very sharp, certainly don’t feel as sharp as when I was at my peak... But I’ve also gain new abilities and tricks. I was a sword, now I’m a sword wielding dragon! (Have you ever seen a sword wielding dragon?) I’m fiery and passionate and I can slice stuff! Slowly but surely, I’m getting regrinded and gaining my edge. And ironically it’s my stint doing optics with my boss that helped me gain back a lot of that.

 

Gah.

 

Enjoying life?

 

You bet I am.

 

With such a nice boss, who wouldn’t be? Plus, our personalities and working style seems to match pretty darn well too. No we aren’t the same. Quite the contrary in fact... But it seems to go well together and I enjoy his company (I think it’s mutual...)... I can only work hard and pray that he’ll have money to hire me forever. Well. Gotta pray that he lives forever too. If he’s gone the lab is gone. So I hope he’s not messaging while driving anymore... o.o

 

You bet I have a vested interest in making sure my PI stay alive and healthy, and that the group does well. I don’t care much for overcats. I just want to work with my boss, the underdog.

 

Complicated days are ahead, but I hope that the days will remain as happy as they are now. Sigh.

 

Really, really treasure the time I have with my boss. I hope things will never change but... With the way we are expanding and growing... Somethings won’t last forever. In fact so much has changed since the days when he just become a PI. My only regret is that I’d not joined the group earlier. It really also helps that he’s a mere two years older than me. I see him like a brother and that’s been a bonus to our working relationship. Also I’m bringing stuff to the table that no one else in the group is bringing, filling in the gap so to speak. And in return I’ve got all these amazing opportunities and I’m learning a ton of stuff from him. And also getting reminded of who I used to be.

 

Like I used to have the “how to talk to your juniors” module when I was a CCA leader. But I never got to do any leader like stuff in a long time so it was forgotten. Now I’ve stolen his words and asked the same question to my intern. I don’t just sound the same as him in the literal, voice sounding really hoarse in the morning sense... But I’m using his words too lol. I wonder if my intern noticed...

 

Speaking of intern... It was her last day yesterday and I was wondering if my boss remembered. Luckily he did. That nice guy treated the entire lab to pepperoni. Yay. Saved me two meals, cos otherwise I would have treated my intern for sure. I mean, she was my intern, I reaped all the benefits of her helping me do experiments for the past 3 or 4 months, after the initial training period... So much so that I’ve forgotten how to do a lot of things already. Lol. Like the procedure, how much to add... Cos I’ve had someone doing all the dirty work for me for too long... Lol. But nope, my lovely boss remembered and everyone got a treat, so thank you for that too.

 

My intern is a real sweetie too. Definitely don’t regret the time and effort I put into training her. Even though we might not be working on the same thing in the future, I don’t think I’ll feel like I’ve wasted my time. Heck, I didn’t put my time training her expecting that she would stay on in the first place. So that she’s coming back and we might be working on the same project? That’s a bonus I guess. Yeah, she’ll definitely do well. Way better than some others for sure. What can I say? She’s good, has the right personality and attitude, and has a good mentor (self praise ha!) so she’s definitely turned out well.

 

All in all. Life is good. Save for one problem. My sleep. Not sleeping well. Getting a lot of fragmented sleep, and therefore remembering a lot of my dreams. Been dreaming about work a lot. Pretty much everyday I guess... Since every time I could remember my dreams it was about work. Woke up at 6am today and remember my dream, it was... Ok I should clarify. When I say about work, I mean either directly work related, or someone from work starred in the dream. And of course, who else starred in my dreams more than my boss? He showed up in the 6am dream. And also in the short dream I had when I slept from 6+am till 7:45am. He wasn’t really featured in the second dream but he was there beside me...

 

It’s a great sign. It means that I’m enjoying my work. So much so that I’m really thinking about it all the time. Even in my sleep. I hardly ever remembered my dream otherwise. In my whole time in kkh I only had at like 3 dreams (I’m counting those that I could remember of course, I know we dream every night!). Yes, I kept count because it was so rare. But on this job? Last night/this morning I already had two. And there was a night when I had three dreams!

 

Since most of them are about work and pretty darn epic... (Like my boss turning into a spider?!?!?) I decided to make a blog and write them down. Yeah, a brand new blog. It’s fun and it’s challenging to write down something to ephemeral... Something that’s completely illogical and with scenes shifting about all the time. And worst still, if I don’t write it down right after waking up, chances are that I’d forget it in a bit.

 

In comes my iPad Pro. If it’s a weekend, my iPad is the choice of weapon. If not, I wrote my dream on the way to work on my phone yesterday...

 

So here it is. My dream blog. I don’t update regularly. Only when I remember my dreams and it’s something interesting enough for me to remember it a few hours later and then actually not be lazy and write it down... But do give it a look. I’ve got quite a number of entries inside now.

 

I guess that’s all for this amazingly long post. Till next time!

Things hasn't been going well in the lab. Stuff just isn't working. Sigh. At least I think it's the experiment problem and not like human error... And the scope has been behaving itself for us so... That's good.

Don't know what my boss wants me to do. He hasn't really decided. And it's leaving me confused. I'm working with two interns. And the stuff I'm doing... You can say it's both their project, and also my project. In the end whose project is it? Idk. At the end of the year, if they leave and not continue working here, I guess the project goes back to me. Then again, boss isn't all that interested in the direction we've initially been tasked to go. More like, it's hard, we haven't had much luck at all. Sure you wouldn't expect results so fast... But we were kinda trying to replicate work from a pre-print paper. We could just wait for the paper to be officially out and try it again with their DNA sequences. And try something else in the meantime instead of 'wasting' our time on this. Heck well. There's a ton of things that I could try. I guess I'll just have to try and see what sticks. 

The dreaded qn is: What is your own project?

I still have none. Almost half and year already and still none. Sigh. Things will turn out ok eventually I guess... But yeah. In research. It's a scary place. Had dinner with a colleague last night. We both just needed a bit of a time out, her especially. And she asked the scary question. How long do you think boss will stay here?

Gosh. No. Please no. He'll be staying here forever right? Forever and ever. And he'll be able to get grants and what not right? Sigh. I'm sick of this... The job search. Looking for a new lab. Landing in crappy ones. I've not even been in that many places/jobs. Ok. This is my fourth... Not that few also. And in my NTU job I changed hands a lot. Passed around from person to person, project to project. Just so sick of this... Sigh. Please stay alive and healthy... And may the cash flow be forever good... My hopes and dreams depends on you lol!

It's funny tho. We've been ordering grab food a lot lately. And usually it's like my boss ordering. And he's the one going downstairs to pick up the order. Hahaha. It's a really unique sort of group we have here. We have lunch with our boss almost daily? Well you can choose not to. It's not mandatory or anything... But like... Yeah it's just quite a nice place to work at overall. And tbh... I really enjoy eating with the boys. The engineering guys (including my boss). The conversations are just different with the boys and the girls ya know... Like dinner with my colleague one on one yest was nice, but we also talked about different things VS when we're with the other girls. Like they start talking about movies or shows or earrings or other random stuff that... I'm sorry, I don't have much interest in or know about. Esp all the US movies and TV shows... Netflix. I don't have netflix. And I don't have the time to watch either. I have my art/journaling stuff to do. Games to play. Now I'm thinking about doing a blog on my art stuff... and what not. And of course, loads of Arashi shows waiting, begging, to be watched.

And yeah... My gender... fluidity is at work here. Love the conversations with the boys more. Someone always brings up an interesting topic and we will talk and expand on it etc... All the time I spent listening to podcasts wasn't in vain. Lol. Though it's mostly when I'm traveling and couldn't have done much else in terms of productive work anyway. And I can still listen AND play at the same time. So doubly productive! Lol.

That's about it for now. Got other things to do! Till next time!  

I have a big problem now.

I can't get work work done.

As in. Work, for my work. 

I spent yesterday attempting to pack my table, and it was kinda successful in that the area in front of my computer is much neater now... And I have a ton of space in front of my keyboard - enough to put an A5 book and write... But that's about all I've done this weekend. Besides playing, trying to take naps and failing to... And generally wasting my time.

My main table for writing is still clogged with erm. A lot of stuff. Too much stationery and other bits and pieces. 

Gah!

Meanwhile... 

I'm supposed to do a journal club presentation on Wedn and I've erm. I read those two papers I'm planning on presenting a while back. Can't remember all that much. But this weekend? I stared at the first few paras of both papers for a bit. Typed three words into my powerpoint slides. And that's it. I have done absolutely nothing else. It's now 10pm. I should be getting a bath, and getting ready for bed in a few hours. But I've not even started. Lol.

Sure there's tmr, and tues night, but I've been falling asleep every night after work without doing anything substantial... And there's newszero to watch tomorrow too - there's bound to be news of Arashi's hiatus and I want to see how Sho responds to that.

Oh yeah and the hiatus. That brought me out of my DW hiatus for sure. And prompted a post to SF. I've talked about what I feel there, now I'm over it and have more immediate, pressing things to worry about. Like my journal club presentation. Why that particular experiment of mine keeps failing, and also what project I should do in the future. Now that interns are here and I've adopted one. And another half intern half future RO (research officer) that knows more about the area of work that I was tasked with than I do and so now he's kinda taken my project? Well if I don't buck up... What am I to do? Lol. Nothing! Yup. Better stop playing all night till I fall asleep and start reading those papers and getting those ideas. Because man, my PI does have high expectations of me and currently I think I've gotten nothing done. Sigh.

And that journal club. Arghs. Gotta come up with a presentation somehow and present it. 30 mins. It's a full hour long for the RFs, but he's easier on the ROs. Gosh. This will be my first journal club ever. Like in my entire scientific career.... It was only in this job that I attended my first journal clubs, and this will be my first time presenting. Arghs. Stressed. I'm feeling like how I felt for the fic exchange. Only that there's no extension. I guess the problem is really with me. I need to get used to working hard again. Or maybe for the first time. Since I really can't remember the last time I actually, really, studied hard. And I need to stop falling asleep while reading journal papers too. :X

Wish me luck. Really gotta get this down. Been to quite a lot of places in sg already, and applied to many more. And I'm getting old. There's not much more opportunities for me in this field. And to find such a nice PI... Even harder still. I think this will be my last job as an RO. My career may well die here if I finally get the courage, and put in the effort to switch fields. And if I don't, but instead get a PhD, then I will become a post doc, no longer an RO. It's do or die for me... So why can't I actually get work work done?

That was long.

Several long hours making the three posts for Storm Freaks. Go read and comment people! It was hard work! Practically my entire afternoon!

Phew. 

Ok. Gotta deal with work stuff now. Like work work. Attempt to finish summarizing a paper, as well as summarizing my past week for my lab notebook.

And then there's the fishing MJ fic that I need to erm. Start on. Opps....?

Yeah!

I made updates for Storm Freaks! There's still more stuff that I want to post... A lot more... But I think I'll ease up on the spamming a bit and try to spread things out...

And then I'm pleased with myself for making a NM post! Yeah! Check it out here. Gotta advertise my site a bit yeah?

Let's see if I can try to post something every week. Or at least, every other week!

Been neglecting my journaling + calliarts stuff (calligraphy and art) for about like... Two weeks now. I caught up to all of Oct yesterday. Now gotta work on my Nov stuff eh.

I've been addicted to various mobile games recently... So much so that maplestory M has taken a back seat. Kinda. Stardew valley arrived on iOS. And old school runescape too. But I'm kinda over those too... Kinda. I'll wait till the new runescape to arrive on mobile... And stardew valley... I'm ok. Just gonna play it one in game day at a time. Maplestory m? Still playing, but mostly auto-battling offline now. I did make my 5th character yesterday though! 

Other than that... Work is ok. PI has been away whole of last week but it didn't mean anything much other than that I don't see PI. I have my work orders from the other research officer. And I'm still lagging behind so much in my readings... I'm gonna die in tmr's one on one with the PI. Lol. Ok... The other RO tells me there's nothing to worry about... Yeah, PI is a nice guy. And she said he'll do most of the talking. But still. There are expectations. And I need to pass my probation. And no matter what I need to get those damn background readings done so that I can lay the foundation for whatever I'm doing and actually sound intellectual. Plus I'll probably have to give a journal club presentation in Dec so that means I need to do a lot more than just catching up on background info by then. Crap. 

Oh and fishing mj? Ha!

Nope. Not started one bit. Entirely clueless how to write it. What to write? Arghs. Idk. The prompts are of no use... Sigh. It's not gonna be 'girigiri'. It'll just be late. Lol.

Oh wells. I just have to get it out in... 2 weeks right? I think it'll be a miracle if I can finish it before Ohno's bday. Lol. Oh wells. 

That's all for now I guess. I have to move on to the next item on my to do list. Which is to catch up with Nov calliartsjournal! 

Time flies.

My first week of leave is gone.

Last weekend was the JB trip with my good friend JLF. The trip there was terrible. Massive jams... Super long queue. It took us over 6 hours to finally get to Malaysia...

The food was good though and more importantly, cheap. So all's well. Even JLF changed her mind on the second day about going to msia again. Hahaha. She was like "This is the first and last time I'm ever coming to msia" when we were queueing up too.... :P

Anyway... We talked about going Japan together and unfortunately I have to say that... I don't wanna go Japan with her. Lol. She's not adventurous or crazy like me. She doesn't eat A LOT of things. No raw food... All that sushi and sashimi... She's really scared of stuff... Erm... Just... Not gonna be a good travel companion for me. I mean... A trip to Japan is gonna be expensive and it feels like such a waste if I don't get to eat all the stuff I like. I think it's not gonna have a happy ending... :X

On the other hand... I could go with my family... I could go with J and Octavia...

Well in any case, I need to start saving up money before anything else. No money no travel. So there.

Spent like a couple of days binge watching this old China drama series 神探狄仁杰. It's freaking good I tell ya. Slow paced but with such a fantastic plot... I was completely hooked. Like $@@%& watching till 4am in the morning and only going to bed because I didn't want my parents to discover that I was up all night kind of hooked. The storyline is so amazing. How the scriptwriters juggle like 10 things at once and never letting a single ball fall to the ground. Or even tossing away some balls really high in the air, only to catch it at the very end of the story. That sort of magic. Gosh. So much that I learnt from watching that drama. You know there's so many dramas and stories where they write till things get so ridiculously huge, and they end up not being able to end things properly? So all you get is this shitty ending? (Heck even mangas... I'm looking at you Naruto.) Not with this drama. All the endings were well done. Logical, and pretty much answering every little doubt and suspicion you had. The cast is amazing too. Perfectly suited for the role they play. The evil guy looks like a sneaky, evil rat. The honest to goodness general looks righteous. The set is amazing too. 

Finally got back on track the day before... With my calligraphy stuff and journaling. Stuff that I've been neglecting thanks to my drama addiction.

Started downloading the papers from my new PI yesterday... Gotta start some proper work eh?

Went to Orchard Central with my mum and sis yest for lunch and shopping. Crazy. We spent like quite a few hundred bucks at Dondon Donki yesterday. It's this supermart from Japan. Mum bought a ton of supplementary pills (I think the bulk of the money went there) and a few kilos of noodles. Sis got a bunch of snacks. Oh, liquor! We got a bunch of alcoholic drinks as well. Alcoholic calpis? (Yoghurt drink + alcohol) Strawberry milk with alcohol? Coffee liquor? Lol. Crazy. And I finally got a new umbrella to replace my heavy and broken one. Hurrah. This one is color changing too. A floral pattern will appear when it's wet. Erm... Ok. I don't care for the floral pattern but it's cool. And it's decently priced and really light too. Finally, a new umbrella. I probably won't need to use it much though. My new place has sheltered walkways all the way to the mrt. And I don't need to take the downtown line anymore so I don't have to walk an unsheltered route to take the bus. Hurrah. Everything back to normal. I'm glad. Glad that I kept to my promise of not staying in that place for long. Because it's too easy to get comfortable in routine. Well... This job was really unbearable though. Really, really unbearable. Like right from the start, I didn't buy any of the coffee shop add value cards thingy even though you get a discount if you do... Because I never intended to stay long. Glad I'm out of there now. Well... There's still next Friday to clear... But just that very last day. And geez. HR hasn't even sent me instruction for what to do on my last day. Talk about being slow. Oh wells.

Wanted to take part in Inktober. But I've not even started on anything yet. Lol. Shall try to get it done this weekend. Then I gotta pack my room a little... Change those bedsheets and clean up the fan. Then read those papers and at least get a grip on *WHAT* exactly my new group is working on. It's gonna be quite different from everything I've work on so far. Like... The projects I'm in... They are trying to discover something... As in... Discover something about the microbe. The biology. But here, they have this technique that they discovered, and are trying to improve. And apply that technique to new areas. So if I were to do cell culture, it's for the sake of getting cells to use in that experiment for that technique. Not to discover anything about the cells in particular. Does that make sense? It's like instead of trying to see how well amazing you dog can become, you are trying to see how well your animal training technique performs... And not just on dogs, but other animals as well. Hmm hope that analogy helps lol.

Either way... There's gonna be loads of challenges ahead and I'm both afraid and excited. After all expectations are high. I have a year to come up with my own project idea. Otherwise it's bye bye for me. My contract is only for a year. Sure I know what I'm worth. I shouldn't be worried about my contract renewal as long as money keeps flowing in. But I can't be complacent either. There's a lot of things I don't know, a lot of math, programming and formulas. There's gonna be a lot to learn... And in areas I suck at too... Plus coming up with a scientifically sound and viable project idea? That's gonna be hard. And it's something that I've never done before. I'm not a person without ideas. I've been making a conscientious effort to ensure that my brain doesn't atrophy. Hence the fic writing, the art making  and what not. But to actually work hard and read scientific papers? And come up with proper scientific ideas? Let's just say that I've been a lazy person. Esp with the paper readings. Can't remember the last time I've read a paper properly. Lol. Ok yesterday I did try. To spend hours and hours at work reading papers so that I can learn the field and then get ideas? Idk how I'd survive. Lol. But I guess I'll have to find a way... So yeah... I better get started with those five papers next week. The rest... I need the damn access to papers to do more. Can't keep bugging my friend to help me fetch papers yeah? Those 5 were on my PI's profile so yeah. And indeed it seems like they are the most relevant ones with our current work. But well.... The way you get into a new field is by reading papers. Best is to see if there are any review papers. Then from there you check out the references, and read more references and so on and so forth. And for that, you need access to the papers so that you can download the papers and not just read the abstracts. There are more free full text available now. But far from enough... LIke two out of the 5 papers in the profile were locked.

Yeah. That's something that told me my current place isn't the right place to stay. You don't even have journal paper access. If you want the papers, you gotta email the library and ask for it. LOL. Ridiculous. In a single day's worth of research I can easily access and download a few dozen papers. Reading what's important and discarding the irrelevant. Just like how when I research something... Say for a fic... Or something else... I can easily open 10 tabs on a single topic. And then another 10 on something else. Which is why I always have easily over 30 tabs open in my chrome. Lol. And with the no internet access in hospitals now? You can't even do research, honest. Lol. 

Alright. That's all for now I guess... I think I'll go buy that photo printer online that I've been craving for quite a while now... Maybe it'll arrive next week and I can play with it... Before I start work ya know? Till next time! 

Yes. Finally.
 
Exactly two more weeks left of work. Ok, 2 weeks and one day. But the last day doesn't really count because all I'll be doing is sitting around, clearing my stuff, doing all the stuff for clearance and exit.

Gonna be an extremely painful two weeks... But at least I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Like... Just honestly really never felt good about this job. From like the second week, I felt like I was cheated. Like, I'd have been better off if I stayed at my old job. Maybe the short hospital stint helped in my career? I don't know. But I'm just really glad it'll be over soon. Like... I never once felt proud of this job. Never updated it on my fb profile... Never bothered bringing much stationary to work (and even when Irought anything, it was after months because I was just so uneasy about this job...) Never bought the membership cards for the coffee shop in my workplace, or the food court in the nearest shopping center cos I never wanted to stay long. And I'm glad that I managed to keep to my word. 

Of course even happier still is that, thanks to my RF's recommendation, I might well have struck gold with my next job. Well I certainly have high expectations. And I really really hope I'm not disappointed. That my assessment of the group is accurate. Still. Things are moving so fast in the group it's like a massive whirlwind. But that's also when things are most exciting. And you'll have a chance to shape and change and mould things. And it's not like I'm a newbie after all. I now have over 5 years, almost 6 years of work experience under my belt. And then there's all the invaluable skills I learned during my internship. Skills that are still extremely useful today. And skills that I would not have learnt otherwise anywhere else. Bet I'm gonna bump into my old mentors someday at biopolis... Definitely gonna talk with them for a bit. Maybe lunch together or something someday would be nice too. After all it's still that same old matrix canteen that's pretty much the only choice for miles around. And of course... I'll be in the same place, just a few blocks away from my bestie jlf. Lunch or dinner? Convenient! Now we can just text each other... And when she's ready, I'll walk over to her building and we can head off to the train station together. Can't wait to start work there!

Of course... I'm really hoping that things are as I hope. That'll be for the best. If not... I'm gonna have to keep looking. For better or for worst... I'm gonna stay hungry and foolish, and never settle. I'll forever be that crazy kid. Because that's who I am and I can't live any other way. And after the year plus in this horrid cage, this little kid is so happy to be breaking free.