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coolohohOk. Forgive my lame title. As usual, I suck at titles.
Wow. The last time I updated was in Jun huh?
Oh wells. Here I am again. Almost half a year later.
Life has been.,.. Crazy. Good, but crazy.
Good, and crazy?
Incredible.
But still crazy.
And even more crazy than usual, because I finally realized, and acknowledge how broken I am, still am, and will probably forever be.
Everyone days they are broken... But it was only on the trip that I finally realized how I’m maybe just a bit more broken than others.
And maybe just a bit more complicated.
And maybe just a bit more crazy.
I mean... I think normal people don’t get the urge to jump out of windows. Or to flip over the railings of every walkway, in every mall... To jump over to the decoration in the middle or to the escalator, or to the rooftop. Apparently that’s considered suicidal, as I’ve read a while back on Quora. But I thought I was fine. I just wondered after all. Didn’t really think I would do it. But I kept wondering. Everyday. Everyday I go to work, I would pass by the roof of the hospital, and wonder what would happen if some criminal escaped to that... Idk what to call it... Roof lining thingy... Like it’s three long horizontal strips of stuff and it’s about 2, 3 stories up? Then I would jump over the railings onto that thing and run and catch them. And maybe fall down. It’s a long way down. But I won’t fall because... I don’t know. Or I may fall. And by then I would walk to the escalator and wonder if I’d be able to jump across from the railing to the side of the escalator, and flip over the escalator railing and climb up the escalator from halfway. But in reality I’d probably fall down too. And it’s also a long way down. And then I’ll head to the basement, where you can’t see the sunlight... No, not to the asylum you dummy. But to work. Stupid lab in the basement.
And after work I’d head home. Or rather, somewhere to spend money in a attempt to melt away my sorrows. In an attempt to... idk... be happy? But of course nothing ever helps, and instead I’m just draining my bank account. And I would head to the shopping center, and think about flipping over more glass railings to reach more decorations, and then either buy a ton of stuff and clutter up my room, or eat till my stomach bursts. And that’s why my room has so much stuff now, my stomach is full o’ fat, and my bank account is empty. I think I’m what you call, depressed. Because it seems like normal people are able to have emotions, laugh, and not think about flipping over and jumping off high things. And if you think this was a recent thing... I think you’re wrong. It’s just that it was only in the past... idk, 3 or 5 years that it got so bad. That I thought about flipping over things on a daily basis. It didn’t matter if it was a weekday or a weekend. If i saw those railings with *something* some distance away that you *might* possibly reach from jumping off said high thing, the thoughts just come automatically, unbidden, just like breathing. As if i was some action hero or movie star. Which, unfortunately, I’m not.
I didn’t know it’s called being suicidal then, because it’s not like I’m thinking of slashing myself or jumping off the building rooftop right? I mean...
But I did know that if I didn’t leave that hospital job, sooner rather than later, I would end up dead. I was sure of it. Very sure of it. I mean, half my foot was already in the coffin. I didn’t have energy to do ANYTHING. I dragged myself out of bed to get to work, and after work I would just lie in bed till I slept and did nothing else. And weekends? I would just stay in my room unless my parents dragged me out. And even then I’d be really pissed at being dragged out. Didn’t want to go out anywhere. Not with friends. Not with anyone. I don’t think anyone realized. My mum did comment after a few months in my new job that my mood is better. But that’s it. I don’t think anyone knows the extend of things.
It’s funny how my sis told me, after she quitted her teaching job in sg... That she studied about how ppl’s world was black and white in psyc, but now she finally understood what it was like. I was like. Lol. Oh. I see. That’s how people describe it. In that case, my world has been in black and white for years, that it’s just the normal for me right. Like, when I first started watching Arashi shows, that was like Uni I think. And I laughed. I was like. Wow. I’ve not laughed in years. And so I kept watching Arashi. Superficial maybe. But it was a respite from... Idk. The world. And I wasn’t even THAT depressed then.
But boy. This job. It’s like, for once I’m not bored. Mostly not bored anyway. Like. There’s enough for my brain to do that I actually feel satisfied. (Mostly.)
And fuck. I’ve always been one for the underdogs. And this time, I think I’ve truly found an underdog worth supporting.
What is it about this little boy that makes him worth supporting?
I don’t know. Little boy. Big boy. Whatever. He’s a bit of both.
But there are some things that I do know.
He’s nice. And I know when he says stuff, he means it. Like. When I met him for the interview, he says everyone is equal. And... Well granted that’s not true to the very letter because, the boss is still the boss right, and he shoulders his responsibilities as the boss, as I quickly found out within a month of joining. But arghs. He tried to bring my fellow RO to a Japan conference. HR/finance rejected it. That’s not the point though. The point is that he actually wanted to bring her along. I mean... In my previous jobssss and the previous academic places I’ve been working in? That’s just unthinkable. And guess what? He brought us along on a workcation to the US. 7 people, 3 ROs. Including me and said fellow RO, who... Well let’s face it, have absolutely no business in that conference thingy with the collaborator. Between the two of us we spoke exactly 0 times during the entire conference. I think my only contribution was to remote into the computer back home (I mean, at work) to try the data analysis software that the collaborator made. It was basically a free holiday. With the downside of having to sit through a whole bunch of meetings for a whole... 4 days. I mean, I definitely did learn a lot... But you know, other people had ideas to contribute, or even presentations to make, and things to teach. I just sat there and absorbed and contributed nothing. (And tried not to fall asleep because, the jetlag is real folks.) But hey, that was my first trip ever to the US, and my first time going outside of Asia/Australia. Wow wow wow. Sure now I’m about 1k poorer (well, 3.5k poorer, since finance has yet to reimburse me for the hotel)... But heck, it was still such an incredible experience. I was having an adrenaline high from Monday, the official conference start day all the way till a week after the trip. Incredible. I think the last time I got such adrenaline highs was in secondary school. To see how much those folks in the US have accomplished, on so little. To see that sort of energy, work culture and commitment. Meh. It’s incredible and it just puts all of us in SG to shame. Absolute shame. We have so much, but yet accomplished so little. Pathetic.
Mentally... I feel like I’ve found back a bit of the sharpness that I’ve lost years ago. All the stupid mistakes that I made in the lab that I would never have made a few years back. Maybe, hopefully I won’t make them ever again.
But at the same time... I’m still as unstable as ever. Easily triggered by seemingly small things. And people. Certain types of people I just can’t deal with. Those who treat others like pre-sch kids in particular. Hated those teachers since primary school, and still hate those people now. Can’t deal with them at all.
It’s quite crazy though. So I just got back from the US start of Oct. And in less than 2 weeks I’ll be in Japan, attending Arashi’s concert, well, any pop concert for that matter, for the first time in my life. And then Dec my dad plans to visit my sis in China. That’s a lot of travel in a year. And in such a short span of time at that. Been traveling a lot in the recent years huh. Last year I had three holidays too. Japan in Jan, Shenzhen in Sept before my new job, and then Beijing in Dec. That’s a record indeed. First time going on three holidays in a year. And if the China trip works out this year, that’s a new record too. First time going on three trips in 3 months. And that would use up ALL my leaves for the year, leaving me with none to carry over. LOL. Haven’t even told my boss about the Dec trip yet, since because of my grandma it’s still not confirmed. But it’s fine. He won’t be around during that period either. That and he’s a chill boss. And I got the leave days so... Will let him know after the trip is confirmed.
Wow. Really a lot of traveling in the recent years. In the past it’s like at most one trip a year, and usually I have way too many leaves at the end of the year and would need to clear them. Meh. Enjoy it while it lasts lol. My bank account isn’t getting any healthier LOL. At least I’m not mass buying fountain pens and art supplies anymore. That helps, a little. Being far from those shops helps too. That and the whole change of mindset...
Sure, I wouldn’t have gotten this job if I didn’t know it through the post doc in my hospital job. And sure, I did learn a lot there. And somehow undergone some kind of transformation that enabled me to make that one decent presentation to get this job. But the cost? The mental, physiological, and economical cost? I swear it was still too great. I don’t think I would ever heal from it. And just the whole, neglecting my health thing, the whole habit... Everything... It’s hard to break out of, and some mistakes are just impossible to undo. Like the teeth that I let rot. Never gonna have them back again. And why? Partly because I had a grand total of 0 bucks in my bank account right. And why? Because you keep trying to do things to get that endorphin hit but you never ever get it, so you try harder and harder, in all the wrong ways... And you can’t do anything right, and....
And exercise? I just can’t do it then. I can’t even drag myself out of the bed. And I’m just physically tired all the time. I can’t get anything done. It’s a miracle that I could even rush out my CV in that one night, and rush out that one powerpoint that landed me my ticket to freedom. It was like a freak accident that shouldn’t have happened at all. You know, when I first got the email reply from my now boss, asking for an interview... It was a feeling of dread. Like, look what you started. I mean, I wasn’t sure about applying for this job in the first place and I wasn’t really planning to start applying for jobs so early. And it meant that I would have to take leave, and a whole host of other things. In the end, thanks to the post doc... I decided to heck, give it a go anyway. Two nights. To put together the crappy presentation. Rehearsed it from start to end exactly 0 times. Fuck. Thank goodness all the experience giving presentations in secondary school came back to me for just that one day.
I still can’t make presentations like I used to. I still think that I’m not even at my secondary school standard yet... But at least I think i’m a decent presenter. Far from being the best, pfft... Still quite terrible actually. But I’m decent. Especially when it comes to presenting my own work, that’s not a problem. Because it’s my own work right? I know what I’ve been doing, and I’m sure of it. I know exactly what I’ve done and what I’ve not done. So that’s easy for me. But presenting other people’s work? Like journal clubs? Geez. That’ll kill me you know. My first journal club. That was a disaster... I bet my boss was disappointed...
That said. I think I’m getting better at reading papers. Was such a struggle at the beginning. I didn’t say it then, and still have not said it now. But seriously, the last time, before this job, that I read a paper properly from start to finish was... In... Uni? Maybe? I think I could read and understand journals pretty decently then. After that in my entire time working in ntu, I didn’t read a single paper. And in kk? That was even worse. You had to email the library if you wanted any paper. Pffft. Nope, didn’t read any paper properly either. Even the two papers that I used for my presentation.... I didn’t read them in it’s entirety. It would take me too long. And I only had so little time remember? Only read the relevant parts, extracted the relevant information, and that’s it.
So boy was the first week of work a torture. I’ve not read anything in years... On top of that, this was obviously a brand new topic to me and understanding it took me a while.
But it got better. As I learned the language, instead of taking me an entire freaking day to read a paper, it only took me a few hours. And recently I just spent like 2 days reading up on a somewhat related topic. Finished 2 papers and some more in a day. Well, was about to say 3, when I remembered that I only read the relevant section of that one super long review paper so there. But reading those papers was a breeze. I guess they are easily digestible papers. And my boss did talk with us a bit about the basic concepts so there was that. But meh. If I can drum up my paper reading speed, and retain more of what I’ve read... Then my skill set as a researcher would be complete. Almost. Nah, it’ll never be complete but heck... As good as things can get.
Arghs.
Very very lucky. That I landed such an incredible job. I thought I would spend the next couple of years trying to find somewhere decent to stay, to be my forever home. But I’ve found it. Not that it was an easy path either. 4th job. And I’ve been through a lot more bosses and post docs. Worked for no fewer than 10 post docs/supervisors. And if you were to include those people whom I’ve worked with, but not under them, that’ll be over 20, maybe 30 people, depending on how tightly or loosely you draw the line. Heck, honestly, I’ve lost count. In just my ntu job alone, I’ve outlasted so many post docs. Changed hands so many times.
And out of all these people... How many would I say I would work for? I think maybe 3. Unsup. But she’s off in the US and no longer in SG. And unfortunately... As much as I don’t have any specific interest... I think I’m really not at all that interested in ecology and microb. I still prefer doing mammalian work.
The crazy pathologist from kk. If he really had gone off to start a chicken rice shop, I might actually have joined him, at least for a while, until I can find my bearings again. I can’t actually image how he would be as a boss, but I think we are both somewhat from the same pot and would be able to get along. Just that I’m not as crazy as him. Yet.
And then there’s my boss. I keep wondering how I would follow, between unsup and him. And I still can’t get a definitive answer. Both are quite similar in personalities, and also quite different. When I met unsup, she was just a post doc. And I don’t know if she’d actually ever set up shop somewhere permanently. Never quite seen her lead before, and she was never working on what she truly liked here, so I never got to see her at her best. I doubt she was even given much of a chance to have her own project at all. Well you can say it doesn’t even really matter because they aren’t even interested in soil research here anyway so...
My boss tho. Now that I think about it. He’s a bit like the PhD student/Post-doc I worked with just before I left NTU. She had tons of ideas and was an absolute beast of a paper machine. Her ideas seems to be way more down to earth and achievable though. Hence the paper machine part. I mean, for the most part she was doing everything alone. So incremental, but still publishable science. Granted it’s also in a field where the competition is a lot less intense.
On the other hand him. He has tons of ideas. But no one to execute those ideas. But he has ideas. Which is a lot more than you can say for so many, heck, most of the profs I’ve worked with previously. And he has a specialty. Which also makes him better than some of the profs I’ve worked with. Are all profs in sg like this? Certainly not. But it seems like I’ve had more than my fair share of bad apples in the years I’ve spent kicking around in this field.
You know... I’ve spent years trying to find a topic that I’m interested in. Like some kind of biology. Like cancer. Or something. I’ve talked about this numerous times in my blog in the past... But turns out that all these years. I’m barking up the wrong tree. It’s not the biology that I’m interested in. It’s the technology. Lol. All this time... I’m interested in tech. Turns out that you can actually do tech in science too. In Singapore. And I’m f-ing interested in it. A hell lot more than biology and pathways and all that anyway. Not that I’m completely uninterested in those... but my interest in those is more because i worked in that field, i worked in the molecular pathology lab... it comes from a sense of familiarity more than anything else. Interest? I’m more interested in the fancy hardware. And yes, technology. So really, finding this lab is quite a godsend. A miracle.
This is the end. I know it for a fact that this will be where my science career ends. OK, maybe there is still a small possibility that I may rank up. You know, finally get the damned PhD... But otherwise.... I’m pretty sure my scientific career will end with this lab. And after that I will find something else to pursue. A different field. I’m too mentally broken to do science anymore. To work for another terrible boss. And as most people in sg will tell you, it’s the same everywhere, in every job. The bosses suck. I can’t be stuck in another job i hate anymore. It’s not even about life being too short to be wasted on doing the things you hate. But rather, I’m very sure I’ll end up killing myself, literally, the next time it happens. As it is now I’m walking on a tightrope between sane and insanity. And that equilibrium could be disrupted any moment. I really don’t think I’ll survive.
It’s a bit crazy. I’m a bit crazy. You can say that my risk taking behaviour has definitely increased. Because heck. What the f is the worst that can happen right? I thought my science career was over already. Heck. I thought myself a dead man. So why the hell not? I have nothing to lose anymore anyway. The worst that can happen is that i end up jobless. And then maybe i can try my hand at that alternative career that I’ve been thinking about. And if I succeed, i succeed. And if i don’t, maybe i end up depressed and dead but then I’d have lived a few more years that I originally thought i would already so... why not?
After you have lost it all, there’s nothing more to lose.
But for now... Until this job ceases to exist.... At least in it’s current, enjoyable form... Then I shall enjoy myself. Have fun, and just do my best. Because this could very well be the last. But more than that... I’m working because it’s fun. And I’m working hard because it’s worth it, because the person i’m working for is worth my effort. And also because it’s fun.
Working as a lowly research officer is like being a kid for the most part. You’re a bit kid. You know and understand a lot of things. But still you need and depend on those people called adults to help you. Because you can’t reach the door knob. You’re just too short. Or because the door has some age limit checker thing on it, and it’ll only open for adults. Sometimes you try to get drag a chair or a stool to the door so that you can reach the door knob. But guess what, some places have guards that kick you away the moment you try to get near the door. Because you’re not an adult. Other times you finally reach the door, to find out that it doesn’t matter anyway because the door is locked and only adults have the keys. You try to pick the lock but you fail miserably. In the end you just give up. Learned helplessness. Because you’ve tried too many times and you’ve failed. Failure. That’s what you are. Nothing but a failure.
What the lowly RO needs is someone they can trust, and even rely on. To get them to the door. To let them open the door. Or to even help them open the door. Protect them on the journey if needs be.
For that somebody who’s willing and able to do that... I give my life. Not quite in the typical literal way you would think of. But i’m willing to work hard in exchange. I can put in 150% of my waking hours and energy. That’s not a problem. I hate to say it but in a way I’m a workaholic. 200% I’m not willing to give. And I want my weekends. But work a little later, think a little harder? Sure, no problem. As long as you enable me. I’ll ‘burn’ my life for you.
That’s just the way I work.
It’s all or nothing. I can’t work just for the money, although if all else fails, i would at least want a high paying job so that I can save up enough to retire. Before i go bat shit crazy and kill myself that is. But i really, really a meaningful, engaging and fulfilling job to even keep myself mentally sane.
That’s all the more reason why I need to be picky about my work. And who I work for. It has to be for a worthy cause. And most of the time, whether that effort is meaningful or meaningless depends on the boss. And that’s why I’m really glad to finally find a boss whom I think it’s worth it.
He reminds me so much of my younger self. The things I once did, are the things he’s doing now. So in a way, to not believe in him is to not believe in myself.
Sometimes i feel like i really should seek professional help. Instead of like... ranting onto my boss. But really... i don’t trust anyone else. Then again I’m posting this here. Does this even make sense? Lol. But I’m broke. And i don’t think they really understand. Heck. Help is hard to find here anyway. Idk. I’m not dead yet. So I guess I’m doing fine. Still alive. Breathing and kicking.
So....
I managed to get myself to book flights for my Sapporo/Tokyo trip. And I’ve booked my accommodations too. Yup. First ARASHI concert. Will be flying off on the 13th of Nov. To Sapporo. And then cos... you know, it’s totally not worth it to just fly all the way to Sapporo for a concert... I’m spending about a week in Tokyo too. There goes money. But heck. I think I’ll have fun. I’ll definitely have loads of fun eating. Food. Loads of food. All I can eat and more. Speaking of which. I’m hungry. Should look for food...
Got the YouTube live chat to check out later... And then gotta see if I can see Arashi in person on Sunday... And then I’ve got to plan for my Tokyo trip. At least... I think I feel a bit better now and actually do have some ideas where to go. Like i actually have places that I want to check out. Amazing isn’t it. Before the US trip I didn’t even have the motivation to book my damn air tickets. Now it’s like. Maybe there’s a reason to be alive after all.
Like the trip... I heard my boss talking about it a long time ago. And he actually did ask in my general direction if we were free to go. But i had no idea who he was talking to. I thought he was just talking to my fellow RO because i mean, she’s on the project at least. I’m not even on the project right... And there’s reasons for her to go, but absolutely none for me. I mean, I don’t even know how he justified bringing me along... So heck. When he actually sent the invitation email... Yeah. Then I finally believed. It sounds so stupid but i cried on the flight back. Maybe the lack of sleep was finally getting to me. But I cried because I met such a nice boss. I cried because I finally realised, and acknowledged that I was, in fact, indeed, as i have suspected for years, very much depressed. And though i still have always managed to drag myself to work everyday, i was in no way ok. And there were days were I did nothing but eat, sleep. No, didn’t even bath. Didn’t get out of bed except to use the toilet and to eat. Because heck, I’m a glutton and I love my food. But even then my favourite food could bring me no joy. I ate it and i could taste it, but it didn’t register.
And being on that trip, like a sch trip with friends... It made me realise what deep shit I was in and also maybe, just maybe, the healing may finally begin. Like I’ve know it since I started this job, but reality didn’t actually hit, things never really connected until i went on the trip. And saw how other people was. Till I saw what normal means.
It was a lot of firsts. First time in the US. First time on a trip with colleagues. First time on a trip with so many people. I never went on a grad trip. And although I’ve had trips with friends, this one is just.... different. I’ve met with Arashi fans and stayed at their houses, and they’ve bought me around... But 7 people in a somewhat unfamiliar place and eating and sleeping and being in the same car together? That’s new. Road trip with friends, that’s a brand new thing. There were downsides of course, but mostly it was fun. Just like this job. It’s definitely not perfect. Heck, in fact the ‘politics’ is worse and probably the most complex out of all the jobs I’ve been in, and considering how my position has always been very complex, that’s saying a lot. Ok, politics is probably the wrong word to use. Situation maybe? It’s not exactly politics in the vying for favours and backstabbing sort of way. But the situation is very complex. But never once have i thought to myself that it’s time to quit. Kk job? Within the first week. That’s how much of a difference the leader makes. Here, I get the feeling that things will pass, or will be solved, because the person at the helm listens and cares. And really, that makes all the difference.
I don’t know if I’ll ever get to go on another workcation. I certainly hope so. But the reality is the same. I’m still that same small fly on the wall. And there are so many new kids on the block. He might chose to bring them instead, because after all, I’ve already been once. And with such things it might bred jealousy. I know someone in the lab who complained about not being asked to go, even though the justification for them to go is even lesser than mine. But i did find out somethings during the trip that made me a little less worried about the future of the group (aka my job) so... Well. Yeah. My boss isn’t stupid, but there are somethings you can’t say as a boss. And there are other things he won’t say just because he’s the boss that he is.
Being at the top is lonely after all. Doesn’t matter if it’s a hill or a mountain. Sure, the higher up you are, the colder and lonelier it gets. But I’ve led enough random shit to know how lonely things can get. And that’s even without all the stress because it’s just some random shit right... And this is some serious shit. Lol.
Sigh.
“It’ll be fine”
His favourite words maybe.
I don’t think everything will be fine. But I think things will work out somehow. At least, I think I’ll work out somehow.
At least, for now, I’m still alive.
Wow. The last time I updated was in Jun huh?
Oh wells. Here I am again. Almost half a year later.
Life has been.,.. Crazy. Good, but crazy.
Good, and crazy?
Incredible.
But still crazy.
And even more crazy than usual, because I finally realized, and acknowledge how broken I am, still am, and will probably forever be.
Everyone days they are broken... But it was only on the trip that I finally realized how I’m maybe just a bit more broken than others.
And maybe just a bit more complicated.
And maybe just a bit more crazy.
I mean... I think normal people don’t get the urge to jump out of windows. Or to flip over the railings of every walkway, in every mall... To jump over to the decoration in the middle or to the escalator, or to the rooftop. Apparently that’s considered suicidal, as I’ve read a while back on Quora. But I thought I was fine. I just wondered after all. Didn’t really think I would do it. But I kept wondering. Everyday. Everyday I go to work, I would pass by the roof of the hospital, and wonder what would happen if some criminal escaped to that... Idk what to call it... Roof lining thingy... Like it’s three long horizontal strips of stuff and it’s about 2, 3 stories up? Then I would jump over the railings onto that thing and run and catch them. And maybe fall down. It’s a long way down. But I won’t fall because... I don’t know. Or I may fall. And by then I would walk to the escalator and wonder if I’d be able to jump across from the railing to the side of the escalator, and flip over the escalator railing and climb up the escalator from halfway. But in reality I’d probably fall down too. And it’s also a long way down. And then I’ll head to the basement, where you can’t see the sunlight... No, not to the asylum you dummy. But to work. Stupid lab in the basement.
And after work I’d head home. Or rather, somewhere to spend money in a attempt to melt away my sorrows. In an attempt to... idk... be happy? But of course nothing ever helps, and instead I’m just draining my bank account. And I would head to the shopping center, and think about flipping over more glass railings to reach more decorations, and then either buy a ton of stuff and clutter up my room, or eat till my stomach bursts. And that’s why my room has so much stuff now, my stomach is full o’ fat, and my bank account is empty. I think I’m what you call, depressed. Because it seems like normal people are able to have emotions, laugh, and not think about flipping over and jumping off high things. And if you think this was a recent thing... I think you’re wrong. It’s just that it was only in the past... idk, 3 or 5 years that it got so bad. That I thought about flipping over things on a daily basis. It didn’t matter if it was a weekday or a weekend. If i saw those railings with *something* some distance away that you *might* possibly reach from jumping off said high thing, the thoughts just come automatically, unbidden, just like breathing. As if i was some action hero or movie star. Which, unfortunately, I’m not.
I didn’t know it’s called being suicidal then, because it’s not like I’m thinking of slashing myself or jumping off the building rooftop right? I mean...
But I did know that if I didn’t leave that hospital job, sooner rather than later, I would end up dead. I was sure of it. Very sure of it. I mean, half my foot was already in the coffin. I didn’t have energy to do ANYTHING. I dragged myself out of bed to get to work, and after work I would just lie in bed till I slept and did nothing else. And weekends? I would just stay in my room unless my parents dragged me out. And even then I’d be really pissed at being dragged out. Didn’t want to go out anywhere. Not with friends. Not with anyone. I don’t think anyone realized. My mum did comment after a few months in my new job that my mood is better. But that’s it. I don’t think anyone knows the extend of things.
It’s funny how my sis told me, after she quitted her teaching job in sg... That she studied about how ppl’s world was black and white in psyc, but now she finally understood what it was like. I was like. Lol. Oh. I see. That’s how people describe it. In that case, my world has been in black and white for years, that it’s just the normal for me right. Like, when I first started watching Arashi shows, that was like Uni I think. And I laughed. I was like. Wow. I’ve not laughed in years. And so I kept watching Arashi. Superficial maybe. But it was a respite from... Idk. The world. And I wasn’t even THAT depressed then.
But boy. This job. It’s like, for once I’m not bored. Mostly not bored anyway. Like. There’s enough for my brain to do that I actually feel satisfied. (Mostly.)
And fuck. I’ve always been one for the underdogs. And this time, I think I’ve truly found an underdog worth supporting.
What is it about this little boy that makes him worth supporting?
I don’t know. Little boy. Big boy. Whatever. He’s a bit of both.
But there are some things that I do know.
He’s nice. And I know when he says stuff, he means it. Like. When I met him for the interview, he says everyone is equal. And... Well granted that’s not true to the very letter because, the boss is still the boss right, and he shoulders his responsibilities as the boss, as I quickly found out within a month of joining. But arghs. He tried to bring my fellow RO to a Japan conference. HR/finance rejected it. That’s not the point though. The point is that he actually wanted to bring her along. I mean... In my previous jobssss and the previous academic places I’ve been working in? That’s just unthinkable. And guess what? He brought us along on a workcation to the US. 7 people, 3 ROs. Including me and said fellow RO, who... Well let’s face it, have absolutely no business in that conference thingy with the collaborator. Between the two of us we spoke exactly 0 times during the entire conference. I think my only contribution was to remote into the computer back home (I mean, at work) to try the data analysis software that the collaborator made. It was basically a free holiday. With the downside of having to sit through a whole bunch of meetings for a whole... 4 days. I mean, I definitely did learn a lot... But you know, other people had ideas to contribute, or even presentations to make, and things to teach. I just sat there and absorbed and contributed nothing. (And tried not to fall asleep because, the jetlag is real folks.) But hey, that was my first trip ever to the US, and my first time going outside of Asia/Australia. Wow wow wow. Sure now I’m about 1k poorer (well, 3.5k poorer, since finance has yet to reimburse me for the hotel)... But heck, it was still such an incredible experience. I was having an adrenaline high from Monday, the official conference start day all the way till a week after the trip. Incredible. I think the last time I got such adrenaline highs was in secondary school. To see how much those folks in the US have accomplished, on so little. To see that sort of energy, work culture and commitment. Meh. It’s incredible and it just puts all of us in SG to shame. Absolute shame. We have so much, but yet accomplished so little. Pathetic.
Mentally... I feel like I’ve found back a bit of the sharpness that I’ve lost years ago. All the stupid mistakes that I made in the lab that I would never have made a few years back. Maybe, hopefully I won’t make them ever again.
But at the same time... I’m still as unstable as ever. Easily triggered by seemingly small things. And people. Certain types of people I just can’t deal with. Those who treat others like pre-sch kids in particular. Hated those teachers since primary school, and still hate those people now. Can’t deal with them at all.
It’s quite crazy though. So I just got back from the US start of Oct. And in less than 2 weeks I’ll be in Japan, attending Arashi’s concert, well, any pop concert for that matter, for the first time in my life. And then Dec my dad plans to visit my sis in China. That’s a lot of travel in a year. And in such a short span of time at that. Been traveling a lot in the recent years huh. Last year I had three holidays too. Japan in Jan, Shenzhen in Sept before my new job, and then Beijing in Dec. That’s a record indeed. First time going on three holidays in a year. And if the China trip works out this year, that’s a new record too. First time going on three trips in 3 months. And that would use up ALL my leaves for the year, leaving me with none to carry over. LOL. Haven’t even told my boss about the Dec trip yet, since because of my grandma it’s still not confirmed. But it’s fine. He won’t be around during that period either. That and he’s a chill boss. And I got the leave days so... Will let him know after the trip is confirmed.
Wow. Really a lot of traveling in the recent years. In the past it’s like at most one trip a year, and usually I have way too many leaves at the end of the year and would need to clear them. Meh. Enjoy it while it lasts lol. My bank account isn’t getting any healthier LOL. At least I’m not mass buying fountain pens and art supplies anymore. That helps, a little. Being far from those shops helps too. That and the whole change of mindset...
Sure, I wouldn’t have gotten this job if I didn’t know it through the post doc in my hospital job. And sure, I did learn a lot there. And somehow undergone some kind of transformation that enabled me to make that one decent presentation to get this job. But the cost? The mental, physiological, and economical cost? I swear it was still too great. I don’t think I would ever heal from it. And just the whole, neglecting my health thing, the whole habit... Everything... It’s hard to break out of, and some mistakes are just impossible to undo. Like the teeth that I let rot. Never gonna have them back again. And why? Partly because I had a grand total of 0 bucks in my bank account right. And why? Because you keep trying to do things to get that endorphin hit but you never ever get it, so you try harder and harder, in all the wrong ways... And you can’t do anything right, and....
And exercise? I just can’t do it then. I can’t even drag myself out of the bed. And I’m just physically tired all the time. I can’t get anything done. It’s a miracle that I could even rush out my CV in that one night, and rush out that one powerpoint that landed me my ticket to freedom. It was like a freak accident that shouldn’t have happened at all. You know, when I first got the email reply from my now boss, asking for an interview... It was a feeling of dread. Like, look what you started. I mean, I wasn’t sure about applying for this job in the first place and I wasn’t really planning to start applying for jobs so early. And it meant that I would have to take leave, and a whole host of other things. In the end, thanks to the post doc... I decided to heck, give it a go anyway. Two nights. To put together the crappy presentation. Rehearsed it from start to end exactly 0 times. Fuck. Thank goodness all the experience giving presentations in secondary school came back to me for just that one day.
I still can’t make presentations like I used to. I still think that I’m not even at my secondary school standard yet... But at least I think i’m a decent presenter. Far from being the best, pfft... Still quite terrible actually. But I’m decent. Especially when it comes to presenting my own work, that’s not a problem. Because it’s my own work right? I know what I’ve been doing, and I’m sure of it. I know exactly what I’ve done and what I’ve not done. So that’s easy for me. But presenting other people’s work? Like journal clubs? Geez. That’ll kill me you know. My first journal club. That was a disaster... I bet my boss was disappointed...
That said. I think I’m getting better at reading papers. Was such a struggle at the beginning. I didn’t say it then, and still have not said it now. But seriously, the last time, before this job, that I read a paper properly from start to finish was... In... Uni? Maybe? I think I could read and understand journals pretty decently then. After that in my entire time working in ntu, I didn’t read a single paper. And in kk? That was even worse. You had to email the library if you wanted any paper. Pffft. Nope, didn’t read any paper properly either. Even the two papers that I used for my presentation.... I didn’t read them in it’s entirety. It would take me too long. And I only had so little time remember? Only read the relevant parts, extracted the relevant information, and that’s it.
So boy was the first week of work a torture. I’ve not read anything in years... On top of that, this was obviously a brand new topic to me and understanding it took me a while.
But it got better. As I learned the language, instead of taking me an entire freaking day to read a paper, it only took me a few hours. And recently I just spent like 2 days reading up on a somewhat related topic. Finished 2 papers and some more in a day. Well, was about to say 3, when I remembered that I only read the relevant section of that one super long review paper so there. But reading those papers was a breeze. I guess they are easily digestible papers. And my boss did talk with us a bit about the basic concepts so there was that. But meh. If I can drum up my paper reading speed, and retain more of what I’ve read... Then my skill set as a researcher would be complete. Almost. Nah, it’ll never be complete but heck... As good as things can get.
Arghs.
Very very lucky. That I landed such an incredible job. I thought I would spend the next couple of years trying to find somewhere decent to stay, to be my forever home. But I’ve found it. Not that it was an easy path either. 4th job. And I’ve been through a lot more bosses and post docs. Worked for no fewer than 10 post docs/supervisors. And if you were to include those people whom I’ve worked with, but not under them, that’ll be over 20, maybe 30 people, depending on how tightly or loosely you draw the line. Heck, honestly, I’ve lost count. In just my ntu job alone, I’ve outlasted so many post docs. Changed hands so many times.
And out of all these people... How many would I say I would work for? I think maybe 3. Unsup. But she’s off in the US and no longer in SG. And unfortunately... As much as I don’t have any specific interest... I think I’m really not at all that interested in ecology and microb. I still prefer doing mammalian work.
The crazy pathologist from kk. If he really had gone off to start a chicken rice shop, I might actually have joined him, at least for a while, until I can find my bearings again. I can’t actually image how he would be as a boss, but I think we are both somewhat from the same pot and would be able to get along. Just that I’m not as crazy as him. Yet.
And then there’s my boss. I keep wondering how I would follow, between unsup and him. And I still can’t get a definitive answer. Both are quite similar in personalities, and also quite different. When I met unsup, she was just a post doc. And I don’t know if she’d actually ever set up shop somewhere permanently. Never quite seen her lead before, and she was never working on what she truly liked here, so I never got to see her at her best. I doubt she was even given much of a chance to have her own project at all. Well you can say it doesn’t even really matter because they aren’t even interested in soil research here anyway so...
My boss tho. Now that I think about it. He’s a bit like the PhD student/Post-doc I worked with just before I left NTU. She had tons of ideas and was an absolute beast of a paper machine. Her ideas seems to be way more down to earth and achievable though. Hence the paper machine part. I mean, for the most part she was doing everything alone. So incremental, but still publishable science. Granted it’s also in a field where the competition is a lot less intense.
On the other hand him. He has tons of ideas. But no one to execute those ideas. But he has ideas. Which is a lot more than you can say for so many, heck, most of the profs I’ve worked with previously. And he has a specialty. Which also makes him better than some of the profs I’ve worked with. Are all profs in sg like this? Certainly not. But it seems like I’ve had more than my fair share of bad apples in the years I’ve spent kicking around in this field.
You know... I’ve spent years trying to find a topic that I’m interested in. Like some kind of biology. Like cancer. Or something. I’ve talked about this numerous times in my blog in the past... But turns out that all these years. I’m barking up the wrong tree. It’s not the biology that I’m interested in. It’s the technology. Lol. All this time... I’m interested in tech. Turns out that you can actually do tech in science too. In Singapore. And I’m f-ing interested in it. A hell lot more than biology and pathways and all that anyway. Not that I’m completely uninterested in those... but my interest in those is more because i worked in that field, i worked in the molecular pathology lab... it comes from a sense of familiarity more than anything else. Interest? I’m more interested in the fancy hardware. And yes, technology. So really, finding this lab is quite a godsend. A miracle.
This is the end. I know it for a fact that this will be where my science career ends. OK, maybe there is still a small possibility that I may rank up. You know, finally get the damned PhD... But otherwise.... I’m pretty sure my scientific career will end with this lab. And after that I will find something else to pursue. A different field. I’m too mentally broken to do science anymore. To work for another terrible boss. And as most people in sg will tell you, it’s the same everywhere, in every job. The bosses suck. I can’t be stuck in another job i hate anymore. It’s not even about life being too short to be wasted on doing the things you hate. But rather, I’m very sure I’ll end up killing myself, literally, the next time it happens. As it is now I’m walking on a tightrope between sane and insanity. And that equilibrium could be disrupted any moment. I really don’t think I’ll survive.
It’s a bit crazy. I’m a bit crazy. You can say that my risk taking behaviour has definitely increased. Because heck. What the f is the worst that can happen right? I thought my science career was over already. Heck. I thought myself a dead man. So why the hell not? I have nothing to lose anymore anyway. The worst that can happen is that i end up jobless. And then maybe i can try my hand at that alternative career that I’ve been thinking about. And if I succeed, i succeed. And if i don’t, maybe i end up depressed and dead but then I’d have lived a few more years that I originally thought i would already so... why not?
After you have lost it all, there’s nothing more to lose.
But for now... Until this job ceases to exist.... At least in it’s current, enjoyable form... Then I shall enjoy myself. Have fun, and just do my best. Because this could very well be the last. But more than that... I’m working because it’s fun. And I’m working hard because it’s worth it, because the person i’m working for is worth my effort. And also because it’s fun.
Working as a lowly research officer is like being a kid for the most part. You’re a bit kid. You know and understand a lot of things. But still you need and depend on those people called adults to help you. Because you can’t reach the door knob. You’re just too short. Or because the door has some age limit checker thing on it, and it’ll only open for adults. Sometimes you try to get drag a chair or a stool to the door so that you can reach the door knob. But guess what, some places have guards that kick you away the moment you try to get near the door. Because you’re not an adult. Other times you finally reach the door, to find out that it doesn’t matter anyway because the door is locked and only adults have the keys. You try to pick the lock but you fail miserably. In the end you just give up. Learned helplessness. Because you’ve tried too many times and you’ve failed. Failure. That’s what you are. Nothing but a failure.
What the lowly RO needs is someone they can trust, and even rely on. To get them to the door. To let them open the door. Or to even help them open the door. Protect them on the journey if needs be.
For that somebody who’s willing and able to do that... I give my life. Not quite in the typical literal way you would think of. But i’m willing to work hard in exchange. I can put in 150% of my waking hours and energy. That’s not a problem. I hate to say it but in a way I’m a workaholic. 200% I’m not willing to give. And I want my weekends. But work a little later, think a little harder? Sure, no problem. As long as you enable me. I’ll ‘burn’ my life for you.
That’s just the way I work.
It’s all or nothing. I can’t work just for the money, although if all else fails, i would at least want a high paying job so that I can save up enough to retire. Before i go bat shit crazy and kill myself that is. But i really, really a meaningful, engaging and fulfilling job to even keep myself mentally sane.
That’s all the more reason why I need to be picky about my work. And who I work for. It has to be for a worthy cause. And most of the time, whether that effort is meaningful or meaningless depends on the boss. And that’s why I’m really glad to finally find a boss whom I think it’s worth it.
He reminds me so much of my younger self. The things I once did, are the things he’s doing now. So in a way, to not believe in him is to not believe in myself.
Sometimes i feel like i really should seek professional help. Instead of like... ranting onto my boss. But really... i don’t trust anyone else. Then again I’m posting this here. Does this even make sense? Lol. But I’m broke. And i don’t think they really understand. Heck. Help is hard to find here anyway. Idk. I’m not dead yet. So I guess I’m doing fine. Still alive. Breathing and kicking.
So....
I managed to get myself to book flights for my Sapporo/Tokyo trip. And I’ve booked my accommodations too. Yup. First ARASHI concert. Will be flying off on the 13th of Nov. To Sapporo. And then cos... you know, it’s totally not worth it to just fly all the way to Sapporo for a concert... I’m spending about a week in Tokyo too. There goes money. But heck. I think I’ll have fun. I’ll definitely have loads of fun eating. Food. Loads of food. All I can eat and more. Speaking of which. I’m hungry. Should look for food...
Got the YouTube live chat to check out later... And then gotta see if I can see Arashi in person on Sunday... And then I’ve got to plan for my Tokyo trip. At least... I think I feel a bit better now and actually do have some ideas where to go. Like i actually have places that I want to check out. Amazing isn’t it. Before the US trip I didn’t even have the motivation to book my damn air tickets. Now it’s like. Maybe there’s a reason to be alive after all.
Like the trip... I heard my boss talking about it a long time ago. And he actually did ask in my general direction if we were free to go. But i had no idea who he was talking to. I thought he was just talking to my fellow RO because i mean, she’s on the project at least. I’m not even on the project right... And there’s reasons for her to go, but absolutely none for me. I mean, I don’t even know how he justified bringing me along... So heck. When he actually sent the invitation email... Yeah. Then I finally believed. It sounds so stupid but i cried on the flight back. Maybe the lack of sleep was finally getting to me. But I cried because I met such a nice boss. I cried because I finally realised, and acknowledged that I was, in fact, indeed, as i have suspected for years, very much depressed. And though i still have always managed to drag myself to work everyday, i was in no way ok. And there were days were I did nothing but eat, sleep. No, didn’t even bath. Didn’t get out of bed except to use the toilet and to eat. Because heck, I’m a glutton and I love my food. But even then my favourite food could bring me no joy. I ate it and i could taste it, but it didn’t register.
And being on that trip, like a sch trip with friends... It made me realise what deep shit I was in and also maybe, just maybe, the healing may finally begin. Like I’ve know it since I started this job, but reality didn’t actually hit, things never really connected until i went on the trip. And saw how other people was. Till I saw what normal means.
It was a lot of firsts. First time in the US. First time on a trip with colleagues. First time on a trip with so many people. I never went on a grad trip. And although I’ve had trips with friends, this one is just.... different. I’ve met with Arashi fans and stayed at their houses, and they’ve bought me around... But 7 people in a somewhat unfamiliar place and eating and sleeping and being in the same car together? That’s new. Road trip with friends, that’s a brand new thing. There were downsides of course, but mostly it was fun. Just like this job. It’s definitely not perfect. Heck, in fact the ‘politics’ is worse and probably the most complex out of all the jobs I’ve been in, and considering how my position has always been very complex, that’s saying a lot. Ok, politics is probably the wrong word to use. Situation maybe? It’s not exactly politics in the vying for favours and backstabbing sort of way. But the situation is very complex. But never once have i thought to myself that it’s time to quit. Kk job? Within the first week. That’s how much of a difference the leader makes. Here, I get the feeling that things will pass, or will be solved, because the person at the helm listens and cares. And really, that makes all the difference.
I don’t know if I’ll ever get to go on another workcation. I certainly hope so. But the reality is the same. I’m still that same small fly on the wall. And there are so many new kids on the block. He might chose to bring them instead, because after all, I’ve already been once. And with such things it might bred jealousy. I know someone in the lab who complained about not being asked to go, even though the justification for them to go is even lesser than mine. But i did find out somethings during the trip that made me a little less worried about the future of the group (aka my job) so... Well. Yeah. My boss isn’t stupid, but there are somethings you can’t say as a boss. And there are other things he won’t say just because he’s the boss that he is.
Being at the top is lonely after all. Doesn’t matter if it’s a hill or a mountain. Sure, the higher up you are, the colder and lonelier it gets. But I’ve led enough random shit to know how lonely things can get. And that’s even without all the stress because it’s just some random shit right... And this is some serious shit. Lol.
Sigh.
“It’ll be fine”
His favourite words maybe.
I don’t think everything will be fine. But I think things will work out somehow. At least, I think I’ll work out somehow.
At least, for now, I’m still alive.
