Depressed....
Apr. 20th, 2016 02:38 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
coolohohSigh.
Spent over 4 hours teaching three people how to do bacteria count today.
I'd say I've wasted my time.... But I hope at least those people learned something...
Geez.
It's a really, really simple process really.
But with those people?
It feels like...
Like I'm talking to primary school kids or something. Or maybe secondary school, if I'm feeling generous.
Seriously.
Well one of them is a quicker learner... And the other has a little more background info...
But really...?
This guy, I don't even know why they hired him. He has no lab experience at all, and knows it himself how he sucks... But he still got the job anyway... And IMO he's not the type that's suited for lab at all. He's the very.... 'ah beng' type. A Singaporean expression for those who are very unrefined. He's complaining all the time about how hard the procedure is... Sure, he doesn't have a bio background, and no lab experience. Then can you freaking LEARN and stop complaining all the time. When this thing is just a very basic, simple procedure.
Said guy used to work in some oil refinery company. So I guess he's more chem/engineering huh? But he's absolutely fascinated by the vacuum pump. And how we use the vacuum pump to filter stuff ("Oh wow that's how it works!")... And even more fascinated by the pipette gun. No seriously? This is just basic physics.... o.0
Surely you would have seen a vacuum pump before? o.o
No I'm seriously losing faith in our education system (yes, all three are locals, and educated here). And of course, I've lost all faith in the hiring committee. They like hiring people who are inept at whatever they hired that person to do. Really.
Why do they keep doing such things?
And it's sad how... Really, the only Singaporeans I can name at my workplace... Are pretty much the RAs or as the two of them are called 'project officers'. Basically, same thing. Then there's this guy who just finished his PhD, and I believe still waiting for his confirmation. And the lab executive (even lower position than mine). That's all I can think of. And to make it worst, the new (and newer) Singaporean hires are such... disappointments.
*Sigh*
Such a fucking sad situation to be in.
(I've caught myself making a ton of typos already, I guess I'm more tired than I'm feeling, pardon me if something is off...)
And then there's a part timer, who did her fyp here under that stupid rf and is now working here part time till end of May. She's the quickest learner of them all... But gosh... I'll accept it if she was a secondary school student. But no. She's about to graduate from university and when I still her to rinse the filters with 1ml of this solution and she's like 'can you demonstrate?'.... Geez what is there to demonstrate? Just pipette 1ml on the damn filter and swirl it around a little then aspirate it off!
And I can't stand it. Nobody seriously nobody here can use the light microscope.
Like geez! None of them has the slightest idea how to use the light microscope. They have no idea what fine and course focus is. No idea how to move the slide left and right... All these things that they should have studied in secondary school before!!! Sure, this microscope is an upscale version of what secondary schools would have, but it's the freaking same thing! Big or small, the parts and working principle is the SAME! The knobs are all in the SAME place! It's standard! And they were complaining about how this one is 'so high tech' and 'different from the secondary school one'. All that's different is the fluorescent module added, but no, they don't even know how to focus their sample. It's like... All pens are the same you know? They write. Maybe some have fancy caps, and you have to uncap the cover before you can write, some have a click action thing you have to press, some needs a twist... But they are all pens. And in this case, all the microscopes have the stuff you need to press in the same place, looking the same way. The focus knobs on the left and right side, towards the back, the knob for the stage on the right.... Heck, you can even see where the knob for the stage is can't you? It's all connected. Come on, I'm sure you had science classes about the part of a microscope and had blanks where you had to name all the various parts. This is 2016 people! Not 1620... Yes the optical microscope was invented in the mid 1500s. The light microscope is the most basic thing you can ever come across. And they are calling it high tech and difficult to use.
Really... It's the whole attitude that puts me off. This is too difficult. That is too hard. Heck. The fyp person arranged with me for the training at 3pm. She caught me this morning and asked if we meet in the lab and I said yes. So 3pm rolls around but no one shows up in my lab. I wait. Still no one. Finally, I go fetch them in the main lab. They weren't even looking for me or anything. They were just doing their own stuff. Stuff which they dropped immediately when I showed up, so it's not something really pressing. They don't even bother to look for me. Like hello? I don't have to teach you anything you know. I should have just ignored them but I wanted to get it over and done with. If ever they want to learn anything from me again, they will have to set a time with me AND come find me. Like that PhD student. He wanted to learn stuff from me but he never came to look for me, so I just let it be. You're the one learning. Heck. I even taught him the thing before already. I could care less. I don't have a 'teaching quota' to fulfill or anything.
So maybe they thought I was busy or something... But nope. There was some incubation time in between and I asked them to come back at 4:50 or 5pm. Nobody came back even at 5:15. Pissed me off really. I went to fetch them in the end. Seriously... -.-''' What the fuck kind of attitude is that?
Then, the last person. She asked me the stuff I was doing, I answered PCR, qPCR and stuff, and she's like 'Oh sounds like what I used to do.' Said she did DNA and RNA stuff. And she couldn't use a damn microscope?!?!? And then she said she used to work at another university. And got papers from her old project. Sigh. A person like her has papers. Life is unfair I guess. Then again by Singaporean standards, a person like me with lousy paper qualifications is considered a loser, a useless person. So...
I'm just a bad fit for this place. The exam and route learning focused education system just doesn't work for me. Something that I found out in my junior college years when it totally destroyed me. Something that I'm still paying the price for this very day, everytime when I check the PhD application requirements and they say '2nd upper hons and above'. It wasn't supposed to be like that. I was amongst the top pupils in sec school. I got to do internships and take part in chemistry Olympiad trainings in the JC. Yes, secondary school kids, going to junior college for chem Olympiad classes.
But who can I blame but myself?
I just snapped in JC. I flunked it. Got an A, B, C, D. Definitely not enough to get me into any scholarship to go overseas. I never thought of going overseas on my parent's money. It's just too darn expensive. I'd lost all will to apply for an scholarships by year 2 anyway. I was spent. Uninspiring teachers and curriculum killed me. Teachers who teach for the sake for preparing you for the national exams and nothing else. Teachers who tell you 'oh that's out of the syllabus, you don't need to know that' every time you ask a question. Heck. They don't even know the answer themselves. I swear, my sec sch teacher could teach better than them. My class got the worst luck of the draw too. The worst chem teacher, the worst bio teacher, a GP teacher who was sick all the time... And my classmates didn't help too. On any given day, half the class would skip school because they can learn better at home. There's no 'friendship' or 'studying together' or anything of that sort in my class. People were 'frienemies'.
Wasted time and wasted youth. Wasted chances and opportunities.
10 years on, I'm still trying to right that wrong.
Still trying to climb back up.
I chatted with unsup today. We might go visit her next weekend if me and my colleague/ex-colleague can get out schedule to work out. Well, ex-colleague's dad is coming to visit her in SG the week after, so we basically only have next weekend left to visit unsup. And this weekend... Well it's just too rush. Plus I have an interview on Friday morning to prepare for...
Sigh. I hope that interview works out well. Of course, I really should be sending out more applications... But today I finished teaching those kids how to use the microscope at 7pm... And I still had my own stuff to finish up, which took me till past 8pm. After which I went for dinner... And by the time I got home it was like 10pm.
And no, I'm not writing cover letters at home because... Going by the number of errors I spotted in my writing so far... No, just no.
(And how many errors have gone unnoticed? *shudders*)
Feeling less and less motivated to work now.
Me working with the new rf... It feels like the blind leading the blind. I think we're almost done with the set of experiments that the prof wanted to find out about... The hypothesis is wrong. But then what? I don't even know if the new rf sees it that way. Don't know when the results is good and complete enough to report to the boss, and don't know what happens next.
Don't even know if anything that we are doing now is of any value. Of any use. It feels like I'm just wasting my time.
(And guess what? I probably am.)
Sigh.
I have some other work to do. FISH to carry out.
One of the qPCR standards is running out and I've got to prepare a new stock.
One of the qPCR primers seems to have degraded and I might need to prepare again...
Sigh.
But yeah. Just no motivation to do anything.
I'm spent. All spent in the past four or five months.
Unsup used them all up.
Heck. I knew I was killing myself. But that's alright. I know nothing will get done after unsup leaves so that was my one shot, my last shot at hopefully getting some sort of validation out from all the time I've spent here. Plus, working for unsup was a joy and it was worth it. Worth all the late nights that she knew and didn't know about. Worth waking up earlier so that I could get more things done. Worth the late lunches so I could get more things done (why else, right?). Worth all the multi-tasking and all the time I spent in the lab, thinking about how thirsty I am but not having the time to 'surface' for a drink.
It was worth it.
It's worth it to me so long as I was acknowledged. Maybe... Rather than saying 'attention seeker'... I guess I just wanted approval all along. Someone to say that I'm good and that they are proud of me. Something that... That... I don't feel from my parents.
They probably are proud of me. As any parent would their child. But.. I don't feel it. Not when everything I do is never good enough. Not when every few months to a year we break out into a major fight (the latest was just last month) that lasts for days and weeks... But that never happens to my sis. Even when I was young, that was always the case. They are always pissed at me, but it never happens to my sis. Maybe because I'm the older one. Maybe because me and my parents' personalities just clash. I don't know. But it happens. Simple things like me hanging out the laundry and my mum is pissed at the direction the hanger is facing because the 'convenient' way IMO is the opposite of her 'convenient' way. So I get a major scolding. Maybe my sis with her different personality will be able to defuse the situation just fine. But for me, it ends up as a shouting match. All because the hangers were facing the wrong direction. And similar things happen for other household chores. It's no wonder I hardly do any chores anymore. And these days... My parents just keep talking about how they can't face their friends and colleagues because their friends' and colleagues' children are so and so good, and doing so and so job, and earning so much and so much money. In the end it's all about them. And their face. Sure, the cost of living is going up rapidly in Singapore and they don't want us to suffer. But no, every time when I get a scolding, it's because so and so person who studied engineering and is now a process engineer and is already earning twice my salary on his second year of work. And then dad will ask me to consider quitting research again.
No. Just no.
I don't think they will ever get how I work. And how nagging always pushes me away from doing something. And how I'm really, NOT a social person. And I really can't concentrate if you keep leaving my damn room door open so fucking stop opening my door already. It's not just the privacy that I would like to have, I can't freaking concentrate!!! And it doesn't matter if you're not making any noise outside, or no one is even walking past, it's just a psychological thing and I can't concentrate so stop opening the damn door cos I'll have to walk up and close it every single time. Heck my sis leaves her door closed a lot too anyway so why aren't you picking on her!
Yeah I'm just the world's most ungrateful bastard. I have a mom who cooks for me, washes my clothes, does all the housework but all I do is complain.
I just want out. Enough of this. Maybe if we're further apart I'll hear less of their complains about me and maybe a little more of the good stuff and I'll actually feel closer to my parents. Oh and stop complaining that I'm coming home late. You want me to change jobs? Guess what? In a lot of labs in Singapore, working till 8 or 9 pm DAILY is a very common occurrence. Industry or other jobs? Overtime is even more so. Overtime is every where. In this tiny island called Singapore.
Either way... My time here is over. It's done. I'm going to spend as much effort on finding a new job as I am on labwork. Yes, I wrote all my cover letters at work and to no ill consequences yet. Let's hope I can find a new job soon. And with luck, a better paying one. Sure, I'll never get a 5k salary unlike some process engineers. Not without a PhD anyway. But heck, I do need the money. I've been spending too much money online lately. I blame it on the stress. But yeah, it's a terrible habit that I'm trying to cut. And no, I don't spend on clothes. I spent it on gadgets and tools and things like a 3D drawing pen (think 3D printer, but freehand drawing). On computer chips. That I can't even use yet because I've yet to learn how to program. (Original plan was to spend the whole of this year learning... THEN unsup's resignation got in the way and I had to accelerate my other plans, pushing programming back yet again.) Of course, I wanted to learn programming last year already, but didn't quite mange to start. Totally my own fault for procrastinating. Yeah. I'm more like a boy than a girl when it comes to a number of things... Been that way ever since I was young. Always preferred the boyish clothes to the girly ones as long as I could remember. Sometimes I question my own sexuality... *shrugs* No biggie for me though. Sex isn't in my list of criteria when picking partners. And I'm not even in a hurry to find a partner. Have I mention that I've never had a boyfriend or been on a date before? Think what you will, lol. I've never even ever found a guy sexy. Nor a girl. So... *shrugs*
Anyway. What was I talking about?
A job. Yes. A new job. Yes. I should re-start my job applications again.
Sigh.
Have to write more cover letters. And make sure they are high quality ones. Esp for me. There's only so few relevant job openings available for me here. People outside they field can't seem to understand. Just how few job openings there are available. In research. Even lesser in the areas I can work in. Sure. I can apply to something from a different field. But I don't have the qualifications so I highly doubt that I'll get the job. And if I really get the job? I'd probably end up hating it anyway, so what's the point? I really can't afford to 'waste' job openings away. Definitely not by doing things like 'apply for a hundred jobs in a day' like my mum was telling me to do. I argued that I don't even have a hundred job openings to apply for and then she started all over scolding me about how I should work and other fields (i.e. non-research) and how I 'would never know if I like a job till I try'. Well guess what? I've tried. (Heck, I'm sure that I've written about this in here before but I really just need to write it again. Sorry. Bear with me.) I've tried a more social job and it failed big time (looking at my personality test results, sure, it's a guaranteed fail). I tried to like this wastewater treatment field and no, I still hate it. I tried to like ecology, but not, I don't like it either. And no, telling me that I'm good at phones and technology and should consider doing things like selling phones doesn't help. In the first place, I fail to see how that can pay better than my current job. Secondly, social jobs are NOT for me. Don't you get it yet? I'm NOT a social person. I can't do sales or talk to new people everyday. I can't do medicine for that very reason. I could probably make it through med school if I really tried, but no, practising medicine would kill me, I'm sure of it. Maybe people can change. Maybe. But I've lived 27 years of my life and I'm still the same. I wouldn't bet my money on it.
I'm already having trouble finding the exact field in biology that I like. Enough of this shit and trying to make consider even more things. It's not helping in the slightest bit! Just telling all time time how I should 'consider my own future'. Heck I very well know that I'm stuck in a 'dead end job' because in this field, at least in Singapore, you need a PhD to get ANYWHERE. And how many times have I already told you, that the PhD application period is in December so I can't do anything about it now, besides preparing for GRE. Yeah I'm the most useless child one could ever raise and it's more worth it to raise a dog. Yes I've heard you say that enough times already and sometimes I wish that you never gave birth to me but instead gave birth to a dog. I really really shouldn't bother discussing my issues with my parents anymore because they just keep biting me every time I say anything. The moment I say I want to change jobs, they say things like 'Oh, finally, you should have changed jobs long ago'...
Man.
I miss unsup.
She's the only person to have ever given my encouragement so far. Well no, I have you girls too, my dear readers... But in real life... I don't remember anyone giving me that sort of wholehearted, genuine, positive and continuous support. And coupled with her sharing her own experience. Her advise. For believing in me more than I believe in myself, for lifting me up when other put me down, for seeing in me what nobody, even myself, has ever seen... Thank you.
It's nice to know that there's at least one person in the world who thinks you can succeed. Who thinks that your dreams are right and you should follow them. Who thinks that your dreams are actually, totally attainable... Because heck, she's done it before.
10 years. And I'm still feeling so freaking broken inside. The flame of passion that got broken in junior college... That unsup managed to reignite, even if just for the slightest moment... I'm still trying to find it back. To get my life back. To get that craziness back. It's been 10 years. I don't think I'll find it in this country. I want out. But first I need to get my 'normal' life back. At least I think my sleeping schedule is getting back on track. Yeah. It's 2am already and I'm still awake. And while I woke up at 7 am this morning, I actually managed to go back to sleep soon after. And even woke up way later than intended at 8:30 instead of 8.
Now all I need to get back is my motivation and energy...
And then I have to psyche myself up for the interview on Friday morning. Well, have to look at my wardrobe and see what I have. At least the new rf is nice. Well, she's actually really nice. It's just that... It can't be helped that she's new to working with these cultures and therefore we are groping around in the dark. But yeah, I told her I won't be coming in on Friday morning because I have an appointment and she didn't ask any further. Let's just hope she keeps it at that, and to herself...
We'll see.
At least now the situation with my parents isn't as tense as last month, and the months before. They are happy now after their trip to China. Happier anyway. The nagging and comparing has already started but it isn't as bad in intensity as it was. Way better in fact. Heck. And they never knew how little sleep I was able to get because I was so stressed. And how even my monthly cycle had totally gone out of whack. Nope, they just kept scolding me. Scolding me for not looking for jobs. Scolding me for not preparing for studying overseas. Scolding me for not being serious about anything. Scolding me for not going out to exercise. Maybe the exercise would have helped with the stress. I don't know. But I was too tired, too tired to do anything else. And the worst thing was when it got so bad that I couldn't sleep and my whole sleep schedule was thrown out of whack... It's been 20 days since unsup resigned and I'm only finally starting to get it back on track...
Yeah. I'm switching myself back to night owl mode. I can't do any work in the morning. I find it hard to drag myself out of bed. Even then, my brain takes a long time to wake up... I'm more productive at night, I find.
Ok. I think I've ranted enough. I feel a lot less depressed now... Just wish me luck in my job search... (And all the best to you too, Ren, if you're reading this!)
Let's hope that I'll find a new job soon and that the work environment is good...
Alright. I'll end here. With another video of my keyboard. I wanted to post this video last night, but I got too tired that I just headed to bed after posting it on youtube. I was playing with the keyboard lighting profiles last night and came up with four profiles.
The daytime mode, with the top row function keys pulsing rainbow colors. The keyboard also gives off rainbow ripples originating from every key that's pressed.
The nighttime mode, essentially the same as the daytime mode, except that it's the whole keyboard pulsing in rainbow instead of just the top row. With the background lighting, the rainbow ripples aren't as obvious anymore, but sometimes the room is a little dim and I can't see the keys... And I had to jab randomly at the keyboard for the lighting ripples to illuminate the keys... So yeah, this mode solves that.
Then there's the Arashi mode... with a chroma wave on the top row keys (I've edited the chroma wave to include JUN PURPLE this time! And then the regular keys pulse the Arashi colors, one color per row.
And of course, an Arashi wave mode. Basically an updated chroma wave with PURPLE in it. Thanks to whoever who noticed that PURPLE wasn't in the wave. Sorry I forgot who and I'm lazy to check. Yup, you were right, there wasn't a purple in the wave! Now there is though XD
(Ah, using the Arashi mode now and I think I'll get rid or shorten the time period where the keys aren't lit... Maybe just make it static and lit all the time instead. And maybe I can still add rainbow ripples when I type on top of that. Now that would be NICE! Ha! More playing with the lighting settings. Yeah man, this is FUN hahaha. Oh! The cyan looks really good too, I'll split Ohno's blue row into blue and cyan! XD)
Oh, the video started off with my mouse too. The price is inversely correlated to the flashiness hahaha! I got the one in the middle first. Two years ago, at an IT show. It costs over 60 bucks. Then the one on the left came fairly recently. I loved the design too much and it pulses rainbow! Plus, it's cheap. Just like... 20 bucks or so. The one on the right. Now that's expensive. I got it as a set together with the keyboard from unsup. In the video it only pulses blue, but it's just a setting error. It should have been chroma cycling aka pulsing rainbow, and it's doing just that now. Again, I can program the colors and stuff but... Just look at that mouse! It's so unassuming, just that little right of light around the scroll wheel, and on the base of the charging unit. This mouse can be used wire and wireless and it's easy to make the switch, which is good because my mouse has ran out of battery three times already... Lol. So yup, the flashiest is the cheapest... My mum has noticed my new keyboard (duh! It's so flashy. And a little noisy as you can hear in the video.) But she still hasn't noticed my mouse. And maybe she won't ever? Until she sees the wireless charging unit and wonder what it is maybe...? Yeah, all three are gaming mouse. Of different brands and grade. Hahaha.
Okok, here's the video. New changes not shown in the video hahaha!
Spent over 4 hours teaching three people how to do bacteria count today.
I'd say I've wasted my time.... But I hope at least those people learned something...
Geez.
It's a really, really simple process really.
But with those people?
It feels like...
Like I'm talking to primary school kids or something. Or maybe secondary school, if I'm feeling generous.
Seriously.
Well one of them is a quicker learner... And the other has a little more background info...
But really...?
This guy, I don't even know why they hired him. He has no lab experience at all, and knows it himself how he sucks... But he still got the job anyway... And IMO he's not the type that's suited for lab at all. He's the very.... 'ah beng' type. A Singaporean expression for those who are very unrefined. He's complaining all the time about how hard the procedure is... Sure, he doesn't have a bio background, and no lab experience. Then can you freaking LEARN and stop complaining all the time. When this thing is just a very basic, simple procedure.
Said guy used to work in some oil refinery company. So I guess he's more chem/engineering huh? But he's absolutely fascinated by the vacuum pump. And how we use the vacuum pump to filter stuff ("Oh wow that's how it works!")... And even more fascinated by the pipette gun. No seriously? This is just basic physics.... o.0
Surely you would have seen a vacuum pump before? o.o
No I'm seriously losing faith in our education system (yes, all three are locals, and educated here). And of course, I've lost all faith in the hiring committee. They like hiring people who are inept at whatever they hired that person to do. Really.
Why do they keep doing such things?
And it's sad how... Really, the only Singaporeans I can name at my workplace... Are pretty much the RAs or as the two of them are called 'project officers'. Basically, same thing. Then there's this guy who just finished his PhD, and I believe still waiting for his confirmation. And the lab executive (even lower position than mine). That's all I can think of. And to make it worst, the new (and newer) Singaporean hires are such... disappointments.
*Sigh*
Such a fucking sad situation to be in.
(I've caught myself making a ton of typos already, I guess I'm more tired than I'm feeling, pardon me if something is off...)
And then there's a part timer, who did her fyp here under that stupid rf and is now working here part time till end of May. She's the quickest learner of them all... But gosh... I'll accept it if she was a secondary school student. But no. She's about to graduate from university and when I still her to rinse the filters with 1ml of this solution and she's like 'can you demonstrate?'.... Geez what is there to demonstrate? Just pipette 1ml on the damn filter and swirl it around a little then aspirate it off!
And I can't stand it. Nobody seriously nobody here can use the light microscope.
Like geez! None of them has the slightest idea how to use the light microscope. They have no idea what fine and course focus is. No idea how to move the slide left and right... All these things that they should have studied in secondary school before!!! Sure, this microscope is an upscale version of what secondary schools would have, but it's the freaking same thing! Big or small, the parts and working principle is the SAME! The knobs are all in the SAME place! It's standard! And they were complaining about how this one is 'so high tech' and 'different from the secondary school one'. All that's different is the fluorescent module added, but no, they don't even know how to focus their sample. It's like... All pens are the same you know? They write. Maybe some have fancy caps, and you have to uncap the cover before you can write, some have a click action thing you have to press, some needs a twist... But they are all pens. And in this case, all the microscopes have the stuff you need to press in the same place, looking the same way. The focus knobs on the left and right side, towards the back, the knob for the stage on the right.... Heck, you can even see where the knob for the stage is can't you? It's all connected. Come on, I'm sure you had science classes about the part of a microscope and had blanks where you had to name all the various parts. This is 2016 people! Not 1620... Yes the optical microscope was invented in the mid 1500s. The light microscope is the most basic thing you can ever come across. And they are calling it high tech and difficult to use.
Really... It's the whole attitude that puts me off. This is too difficult. That is too hard. Heck. The fyp person arranged with me for the training at 3pm. She caught me this morning and asked if we meet in the lab and I said yes. So 3pm rolls around but no one shows up in my lab. I wait. Still no one. Finally, I go fetch them in the main lab. They weren't even looking for me or anything. They were just doing their own stuff. Stuff which they dropped immediately when I showed up, so it's not something really pressing. They don't even bother to look for me. Like hello? I don't have to teach you anything you know. I should have just ignored them but I wanted to get it over and done with. If ever they want to learn anything from me again, they will have to set a time with me AND come find me. Like that PhD student. He wanted to learn stuff from me but he never came to look for me, so I just let it be. You're the one learning. Heck. I even taught him the thing before already. I could care less. I don't have a 'teaching quota' to fulfill or anything.
So maybe they thought I was busy or something... But nope. There was some incubation time in between and I asked them to come back at 4:50 or 5pm. Nobody came back even at 5:15. Pissed me off really. I went to fetch them in the end. Seriously... -.-''' What the fuck kind of attitude is that?
Then, the last person. She asked me the stuff I was doing, I answered PCR, qPCR and stuff, and she's like 'Oh sounds like what I used to do.' Said she did DNA and RNA stuff. And she couldn't use a damn microscope?!?!? And then she said she used to work at another university. And got papers from her old project. Sigh. A person like her has papers. Life is unfair I guess. Then again by Singaporean standards, a person like me with lousy paper qualifications is considered a loser, a useless person. So...
I'm just a bad fit for this place. The exam and route learning focused education system just doesn't work for me. Something that I found out in my junior college years when it totally destroyed me. Something that I'm still paying the price for this very day, everytime when I check the PhD application requirements and they say '2nd upper hons and above'. It wasn't supposed to be like that. I was amongst the top pupils in sec school. I got to do internships and take part in chemistry Olympiad trainings in the JC. Yes, secondary school kids, going to junior college for chem Olympiad classes.
But who can I blame but myself?
I just snapped in JC. I flunked it. Got an A, B, C, D. Definitely not enough to get me into any scholarship to go overseas. I never thought of going overseas on my parent's money. It's just too darn expensive. I'd lost all will to apply for an scholarships by year 2 anyway. I was spent. Uninspiring teachers and curriculum killed me. Teachers who teach for the sake for preparing you for the national exams and nothing else. Teachers who tell you 'oh that's out of the syllabus, you don't need to know that' every time you ask a question. Heck. They don't even know the answer themselves. I swear, my sec sch teacher could teach better than them. My class got the worst luck of the draw too. The worst chem teacher, the worst bio teacher, a GP teacher who was sick all the time... And my classmates didn't help too. On any given day, half the class would skip school because they can learn better at home. There's no 'friendship' or 'studying together' or anything of that sort in my class. People were 'frienemies'.
Wasted time and wasted youth. Wasted chances and opportunities.
10 years on, I'm still trying to right that wrong.
Still trying to climb back up.
I chatted with unsup today. We might go visit her next weekend if me and my colleague/ex-colleague can get out schedule to work out. Well, ex-colleague's dad is coming to visit her in SG the week after, so we basically only have next weekend left to visit unsup. And this weekend... Well it's just too rush. Plus I have an interview on Friday morning to prepare for...
Sigh. I hope that interview works out well. Of course, I really should be sending out more applications... But today I finished teaching those kids how to use the microscope at 7pm... And I still had my own stuff to finish up, which took me till past 8pm. After which I went for dinner... And by the time I got home it was like 10pm.
And no, I'm not writing cover letters at home because... Going by the number of errors I spotted in my writing so far... No, just no.
(And how many errors have gone unnoticed? *shudders*)
Feeling less and less motivated to work now.
Me working with the new rf... It feels like the blind leading the blind. I think we're almost done with the set of experiments that the prof wanted to find out about... The hypothesis is wrong. But then what? I don't even know if the new rf sees it that way. Don't know when the results is good and complete enough to report to the boss, and don't know what happens next.
Don't even know if anything that we are doing now is of any value. Of any use. It feels like I'm just wasting my time.
(And guess what? I probably am.)
Sigh.
I have some other work to do. FISH to carry out.
One of the qPCR standards is running out and I've got to prepare a new stock.
One of the qPCR primers seems to have degraded and I might need to prepare again...
Sigh.
But yeah. Just no motivation to do anything.
I'm spent. All spent in the past four or five months.
Unsup used them all up.
Heck. I knew I was killing myself. But that's alright. I know nothing will get done after unsup leaves so that was my one shot, my last shot at hopefully getting some sort of validation out from all the time I've spent here. Plus, working for unsup was a joy and it was worth it. Worth all the late nights that she knew and didn't know about. Worth waking up earlier so that I could get more things done. Worth the late lunches so I could get more things done (why else, right?). Worth all the multi-tasking and all the time I spent in the lab, thinking about how thirsty I am but not having the time to 'surface' for a drink.
It was worth it.
It's worth it to me so long as I was acknowledged. Maybe... Rather than saying 'attention seeker'... I guess I just wanted approval all along. Someone to say that I'm good and that they are proud of me. Something that... That... I don't feel from my parents.
They probably are proud of me. As any parent would their child. But.. I don't feel it. Not when everything I do is never good enough. Not when every few months to a year we break out into a major fight (the latest was just last month) that lasts for days and weeks... But that never happens to my sis. Even when I was young, that was always the case. They are always pissed at me, but it never happens to my sis. Maybe because I'm the older one. Maybe because me and my parents' personalities just clash. I don't know. But it happens. Simple things like me hanging out the laundry and my mum is pissed at the direction the hanger is facing because the 'convenient' way IMO is the opposite of her 'convenient' way. So I get a major scolding. Maybe my sis with her different personality will be able to defuse the situation just fine. But for me, it ends up as a shouting match. All because the hangers were facing the wrong direction. And similar things happen for other household chores. It's no wonder I hardly do any chores anymore. And these days... My parents just keep talking about how they can't face their friends and colleagues because their friends' and colleagues' children are so and so good, and doing so and so job, and earning so much and so much money. In the end it's all about them. And their face. Sure, the cost of living is going up rapidly in Singapore and they don't want us to suffer. But no, every time when I get a scolding, it's because so and so person who studied engineering and is now a process engineer and is already earning twice my salary on his second year of work. And then dad will ask me to consider quitting research again.
No. Just no.
I don't think they will ever get how I work. And how nagging always pushes me away from doing something. And how I'm really, NOT a social person. And I really can't concentrate if you keep leaving my damn room door open so fucking stop opening my door already. It's not just the privacy that I would like to have, I can't freaking concentrate!!! And it doesn't matter if you're not making any noise outside, or no one is even walking past, it's just a psychological thing and I can't concentrate so stop opening the damn door cos I'll have to walk up and close it every single time. Heck my sis leaves her door closed a lot too anyway so why aren't you picking on her!
Yeah I'm just the world's most ungrateful bastard. I have a mom who cooks for me, washes my clothes, does all the housework but all I do is complain.
I just want out. Enough of this. Maybe if we're further apart I'll hear less of their complains about me and maybe a little more of the good stuff and I'll actually feel closer to my parents. Oh and stop complaining that I'm coming home late. You want me to change jobs? Guess what? In a lot of labs in Singapore, working till 8 or 9 pm DAILY is a very common occurrence. Industry or other jobs? Overtime is even more so. Overtime is every where. In this tiny island called Singapore.
Either way... My time here is over. It's done. I'm going to spend as much effort on finding a new job as I am on labwork. Yes, I wrote all my cover letters at work and to no ill consequences yet. Let's hope I can find a new job soon. And with luck, a better paying one. Sure, I'll never get a 5k salary unlike some process engineers. Not without a PhD anyway. But heck, I do need the money. I've been spending too much money online lately. I blame it on the stress. But yeah, it's a terrible habit that I'm trying to cut. And no, I don't spend on clothes. I spent it on gadgets and tools and things like a 3D drawing pen (think 3D printer, but freehand drawing). On computer chips. That I can't even use yet because I've yet to learn how to program. (Original plan was to spend the whole of this year learning... THEN unsup's resignation got in the way and I had to accelerate my other plans, pushing programming back yet again.) Of course, I wanted to learn programming last year already, but didn't quite mange to start. Totally my own fault for procrastinating. Yeah. I'm more like a boy than a girl when it comes to a number of things... Been that way ever since I was young. Always preferred the boyish clothes to the girly ones as long as I could remember. Sometimes I question my own sexuality... *shrugs* No biggie for me though. Sex isn't in my list of criteria when picking partners. And I'm not even in a hurry to find a partner. Have I mention that I've never had a boyfriend or been on a date before? Think what you will, lol. I've never even ever found a guy sexy. Nor a girl. So... *shrugs*
Anyway. What was I talking about?
A job. Yes. A new job. Yes. I should re-start my job applications again.
Sigh.
Have to write more cover letters. And make sure they are high quality ones. Esp for me. There's only so few relevant job openings available for me here. People outside they field can't seem to understand. Just how few job openings there are available. In research. Even lesser in the areas I can work in. Sure. I can apply to something from a different field. But I don't have the qualifications so I highly doubt that I'll get the job. And if I really get the job? I'd probably end up hating it anyway, so what's the point? I really can't afford to 'waste' job openings away. Definitely not by doing things like 'apply for a hundred jobs in a day' like my mum was telling me to do. I argued that I don't even have a hundred job openings to apply for and then she started all over scolding me about how I should work and other fields (i.e. non-research) and how I 'would never know if I like a job till I try'. Well guess what? I've tried. (Heck, I'm sure that I've written about this in here before but I really just need to write it again. Sorry. Bear with me.) I've tried a more social job and it failed big time (looking at my personality test results, sure, it's a guaranteed fail). I tried to like this wastewater treatment field and no, I still hate it. I tried to like ecology, but not, I don't like it either. And no, telling me that I'm good at phones and technology and should consider doing things like selling phones doesn't help. In the first place, I fail to see how that can pay better than my current job. Secondly, social jobs are NOT for me. Don't you get it yet? I'm NOT a social person. I can't do sales or talk to new people everyday. I can't do medicine for that very reason. I could probably make it through med school if I really tried, but no, practising medicine would kill me, I'm sure of it. Maybe people can change. Maybe. But I've lived 27 years of my life and I'm still the same. I wouldn't bet my money on it.
I'm already having trouble finding the exact field in biology that I like. Enough of this shit and trying to make consider even more things. It's not helping in the slightest bit! Just telling all time time how I should 'consider my own future'. Heck I very well know that I'm stuck in a 'dead end job' because in this field, at least in Singapore, you need a PhD to get ANYWHERE. And how many times have I already told you, that the PhD application period is in December so I can't do anything about it now, besides preparing for GRE. Yeah I'm the most useless child one could ever raise and it's more worth it to raise a dog. Yes I've heard you say that enough times already and sometimes I wish that you never gave birth to me but instead gave birth to a dog. I really really shouldn't bother discussing my issues with my parents anymore because they just keep biting me every time I say anything. The moment I say I want to change jobs, they say things like 'Oh, finally, you should have changed jobs long ago'...
Man.
I miss unsup.
She's the only person to have ever given my encouragement so far. Well no, I have you girls too, my dear readers... But in real life... I don't remember anyone giving me that sort of wholehearted, genuine, positive and continuous support. And coupled with her sharing her own experience. Her advise. For believing in me more than I believe in myself, for lifting me up when other put me down, for seeing in me what nobody, even myself, has ever seen... Thank you.
It's nice to know that there's at least one person in the world who thinks you can succeed. Who thinks that your dreams are right and you should follow them. Who thinks that your dreams are actually, totally attainable... Because heck, she's done it before.
10 years. And I'm still feeling so freaking broken inside. The flame of passion that got broken in junior college... That unsup managed to reignite, even if just for the slightest moment... I'm still trying to find it back. To get my life back. To get that craziness back. It's been 10 years. I don't think I'll find it in this country. I want out. But first I need to get my 'normal' life back. At least I think my sleeping schedule is getting back on track. Yeah. It's 2am already and I'm still awake. And while I woke up at 7 am this morning, I actually managed to go back to sleep soon after. And even woke up way later than intended at 8:30 instead of 8.
Now all I need to get back is my motivation and energy...
And then I have to psyche myself up for the interview on Friday morning. Well, have to look at my wardrobe and see what I have. At least the new rf is nice. Well, she's actually really nice. It's just that... It can't be helped that she's new to working with these cultures and therefore we are groping around in the dark. But yeah, I told her I won't be coming in on Friday morning because I have an appointment and she didn't ask any further. Let's just hope she keeps it at that, and to herself...
We'll see.
At least now the situation with my parents isn't as tense as last month, and the months before. They are happy now after their trip to China. Happier anyway. The nagging and comparing has already started but it isn't as bad in intensity as it was. Way better in fact. Heck. And they never knew how little sleep I was able to get because I was so stressed. And how even my monthly cycle had totally gone out of whack. Nope, they just kept scolding me. Scolding me for not looking for jobs. Scolding me for not preparing for studying overseas. Scolding me for not being serious about anything. Scolding me for not going out to exercise. Maybe the exercise would have helped with the stress. I don't know. But I was too tired, too tired to do anything else. And the worst thing was when it got so bad that I couldn't sleep and my whole sleep schedule was thrown out of whack... It's been 20 days since unsup resigned and I'm only finally starting to get it back on track...
Yeah. I'm switching myself back to night owl mode. I can't do any work in the morning. I find it hard to drag myself out of bed. Even then, my brain takes a long time to wake up... I'm more productive at night, I find.
Ok. I think I've ranted enough. I feel a lot less depressed now... Just wish me luck in my job search... (And all the best to you too, Ren, if you're reading this!)
Let's hope that I'll find a new job soon and that the work environment is good...
Alright. I'll end here. With another video of my keyboard. I wanted to post this video last night, but I got too tired that I just headed to bed after posting it on youtube. I was playing with the keyboard lighting profiles last night and came up with four profiles.
The daytime mode, with the top row function keys pulsing rainbow colors. The keyboard also gives off rainbow ripples originating from every key that's pressed.
The nighttime mode, essentially the same as the daytime mode, except that it's the whole keyboard pulsing in rainbow instead of just the top row. With the background lighting, the rainbow ripples aren't as obvious anymore, but sometimes the room is a little dim and I can't see the keys... And I had to jab randomly at the keyboard for the lighting ripples to illuminate the keys... So yeah, this mode solves that.
Then there's the Arashi mode... with a chroma wave on the top row keys (I've edited the chroma wave to include JUN PURPLE this time! And then the regular keys pulse the Arashi colors, one color per row.
And of course, an Arashi wave mode. Basically an updated chroma wave with PURPLE in it. Thanks to whoever who noticed that PURPLE wasn't in the wave. Sorry I forgot who and I'm lazy to check. Yup, you were right, there wasn't a purple in the wave! Now there is though XD
(Ah, using the Arashi mode now and I think I'll get rid or shorten the time period where the keys aren't lit... Maybe just make it static and lit all the time instead. And maybe I can still add rainbow ripples when I type on top of that. Now that would be NICE! Ha! More playing with the lighting settings. Yeah man, this is FUN hahaha. Oh! The cyan looks really good too, I'll split Ohno's blue row into blue and cyan! XD)
Oh, the video started off with my mouse too. The price is inversely correlated to the flashiness hahaha! I got the one in the middle first. Two years ago, at an IT show. It costs over 60 bucks. Then the one on the left came fairly recently. I loved the design too much and it pulses rainbow! Plus, it's cheap. Just like... 20 bucks or so. The one on the right. Now that's expensive. I got it as a set together with the keyboard from unsup. In the video it only pulses blue, but it's just a setting error. It should have been chroma cycling aka pulsing rainbow, and it's doing just that now. Again, I can program the colors and stuff but... Just look at that mouse! It's so unassuming, just that little right of light around the scroll wheel, and on the base of the charging unit. This mouse can be used wire and wireless and it's easy to make the switch, which is good because my mouse has ran out of battery three times already... Lol. So yup, the flashiest is the cheapest... My mum has noticed my new keyboard (duh! It's so flashy. And a little noisy as you can hear in the video.) But she still hasn't noticed my mouse. And maybe she won't ever? Until she sees the wireless charging unit and wonder what it is maybe...? Yeah, all three are gaming mouse. Of different brands and grade. Hahaha.
Okok, here's the video. New changes not shown in the video hahaha!
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(no subject)
Date: 2016-04-19 11:08 pm (UTC)What's your concentration in biology?
I recently heard that recent industrial style is biochemical engineering. Organic material factory? Ah the one with a lot of waste, because the biology is focused for waste treatment.
I don't know, maybe it suited you?
And the vacuum pump?
Ah, I'm in chemical engineering and never used it, what I know is it used to vaporize substances. I never learn the basic use it formally, maybe because we don't have large curiousity... But yeah, we have it in our lab.
And the rinse thing? Sorry but I also just know that we do it just like rinsing clothes -_- I don't know, I didn't learn it in our basic practicum. Am I seems like ah lian? -_-a and I have OCD that I after I asked my lab technician I still doubt if his procedures is the right one to do -_-
So you're cool. You are expert in your field. I think that is simply admirable. I also want that... ._.
I learnt a lot about singapore here. Life is hard in advanced countries huh?
Now that you mention about gpa, I'm here thinking about my not honest GPA :( I just hope I'll learn a lot when doing the thesis. The thesis for chem eng graduate program is designing factory, so I'll learn the whole thing in months only -_- but my lecturers onces said that overseas program only requires the student to have research. I'm doing research now, the one I don't understand since my proposal for topic I wanted is not funded and this one I'm doing is.
Wait, why am I telling this thou? *chuckle
I'm also the one who don't know what to say...
And I love your keyboard. Razer blackwidow, if I'm not mistaken? And ah, doyou play the games similiar to dota and... Lol? Just asking thou, I'm into RPG. I love fantasy and drama (but no! I dont play skyrim. I played it once and panicked when got into 1 on 1 fight) :)
(no subject)
Date: 2016-05-01 02:52 am (UTC)I don't get how come they keep hiring people who have no lab experience. It's not even as if they are RFs with unique experience in the industry. They are project officers. Main job is to do experiments. Why hire someone who's so inexperienced then? And with such lousy attitude at that.
Yup! Razer blackwidow! XD I would love to play dota and lol. Once I get a new computer... I love rpgs too... But I have a stupid motion sickness to content with so... Would definitely love to get myself used to it so I don't get motion sickness anymore... :P For now I'm mostly playing games on my phone... Because well... I'm killing my dad's lappy already...
(no subject)
Date: 2016-04-19 11:21 pm (UTC)I cannot wait to see how the final product will be!
(no subject)
Date: 2016-05-01 02:46 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2016-05-01 04:55 am (UTC)