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3 am and I can't sleep anymore
Ok. So I broke the sleepiness barrier and how I'm not sleepy anymore.
So well. I was reading my old entries right?
Was just glancing through my search results - that's why I love digital more than paper. You can search.
And saw my posts about how I was keeping track of whether I spoke to anyone at all each day.
Yup. That was my life before I became unsup's slave. I mean... Er. Assistant? Whatever.
Soon it'll be back to those days... And gosh I'll miss unsup so much. Like when she was on maternity leave? And I was staring at her desk everyday and wondering when she'll reply my email and if she's doing ok...
Only that come next Friday there'll be just an empty desk to stare at... And I really shouldn't be bothering her too much on email. Or iMessage for that matter. No more chatting buddy to ask/talk/complain about frivolous little things like if I should feed the babies. I mean, bacteria. No one to make jokes with or make fun off. T.T No one to chat with in the lab. T.T
I'll be all alone. And the lab will be all mine. If I even have lab to do that is.
No more popping over to her bench to find XXX because all her supplies will probably go to me anyway... I would very much like to have her 1ml and 200ul pipettes at least. And the chemicals... I'm out of nuclease free water already...! Everything is running out lol. The pipette tips. The PBS. The 96 well plates...
Gosh.
I'll miss her so badly.
Yeah. I'm spoiled by her now. I never had any of that. No one to talk to. No one to ask questions to. No one to discuss anything with. But after a year and a few months of working with her.... Things changed huh? I changed. My expectations changed.
Soon it'll be back to those days where nobody comes to talk to me. And nobody even cared if I was alive. Or at work.
Then again.
Some things did change.
I'm the 'expert' on a ton of things now.
Though in all honesty, I'm no expert. It's just that everyone else knows nothing.
It's too easy to be an expert here.
I stil remember when I finally got sick of my stuff always getting stolen from my bench, and decided to move in to the molecular lab...
I stood around surveying the place, wondering which bench to take. Do I really want to sit there? Next to unsup? It's a bit scary to be that close... no? Maybe I'll sit opposite instead...
Plus. That bench looks cleaner...
So I did. I had the whole two rows to myself then. And I kept those whole two rows clean.
I'd never forget how unsup was happy to discover that I've moved in with her... So she'll have some company. I was kind of worried though. Because. Sitting opposite your supervisor isn't particularly a good thing... As far as the usual bosses in Singapore go anyway.
The first time we actually chatted, across the bench... That was pure joy. It's like a switch that just turned on in my brain... Like "Wow, so that's how it feels like to have someone to talk to when doing experiments..." It was so enjoyable. It was addictive. For the first time ever... I felt that... Maybe... Just maybe... Research doesn't have to be so lonely after all.
And I'd be so happy each time I see her in the lab. To even just see her. See someone else. Though of course, most of the times when she's doing experiments, she's so concentrated that she doesn't hear anything I say. Important question or not.
It's still nice to see someone else in the lab anyway.
There wasn't much to do at first. Rather, she didn't give me much.
So each time after I'm done I'll ask her what's next. Because I don't have anything else to do anyway.
Then she started giving me more stuff. And there was a period of time when I'd wake up every morning to having my instructions for the day already happily sitting in my inbox. Even before I woke up. Or the email will arrive while I'm on the way to woke. Sometimes we'd have emailed back and forth a couple of times... And I'm still on the train. Lol.
I'd be kidding nobody if I say that she didn't know. Even though well, I was sitting far away then, at the door. Because when she showed me and two other people how to do FISH... She set the start time at 10 am. My usual arrival time. Well... I don't know when the other two usually arrives. But still...
There was some other experiments too, that I don't recall what it is anymore. I asked her what time we would start and she says we'd start at 10. When she's in the office by 8am or 8:30... well. I don't know. I can only gauge by the emails she sends me. And she might have been already in the office for ages.
But she never once mentioned about it. I was turning in all the experiement results by the next day, latest, anyway. Of course, all the emails with results/attachments won't ever get sent till past 10am, when I reach the office.
I get it now that she doesn't care. Because they don't care when you worked in the US either, so long as you were getting your work done. Yeah. As long as you get your work done. That's something we could use more of in SG.
Unsup said multiple times about how fast I am... Throughout the time we've worked together... Well... My response would be: How long do you expect me to take? Lol.
Even just... Last week? I diluted the FISH probes already the previous afternoon. The next day she was like "the FISH probes are in my drawer."
"Erm yeah? I diluted them yesterday already. What do you think I was doing all afternoon?"
"I don't know... talking to the bacteria? So that they would grow better?"
We had a great laugh about it.
Or a few weeks before... The last time I ran the qPCR. I finished all the plates in the same day and she's like "You're fast...!"
Me: How long do you want me to take to run two plates? o.o
---------------------------------------
That day when I got a sudden email from her, after work hours, in April...
I was glad. Glad that she found my trustworthy to leave her experiments to.
Though I really shouldn't be happy... But I was anyway. Heck. I was even getting a high reading the experimental protocol. Even though it was a really simple, short thing.
But I know I really shouldn't be glad... Because I guessed right away what happened.
And my guess was proven right the next day when I saw her FB post.
But well.
I didn't know what to say when she got back.
I didn't know if I should even say anything.
But... unsup seemed fine and was behaving like everything was perfectly normal.
I didn't know if I should ask. But it seemed like she didn't want to. Whether it was behind her or whether it was still hurting inside and putting up a brave front. It didn't feel right to ask and so I didn't.
I don't know. My social module is broken remember? This is a new situation. With no past knowledge to rely on. So I relied on my logical thinking...
If you're reading this... I'm sorry I didn't ask. I didn't know how to.
Don't know a lot of other things either. Still don't.
------------------------------------------------
We got closer. Though the time when she asked who my supervisor was, and then again subsequently denying our relationship during the qpcr training still hurts.
I remember the qpcr training well. Not that the training was actually useful or interesting to me... I learnt nothing new. But because it was the first time unsup messaged me. Like message. iMessage. Not email. I was wondering how the heck she got my phone number. Still wondering now. Have to ask her that before she leaves...
Well. Not her fault really. Officially, we don't have any relationship. She isn't my supervisor. My supervisor is the head of the whole insitute and he doesn't even know I exist.
--------------------------------------------
I remember stalking her on FB for several days/weeks and pondering if I should add her. I finally picked up the courage and pressed the damned button, for good or for ill.
Then she liked my photo.
And then I started posting statuses and photos... To catch her attention.
And she liked some of them.
So I did it again.
And again.
And again.
Like a child demanding attention from their mum.
Yeah, I was an attention deficit child.
Still am.
--------------------------------------------
And... Oh gosh...! The times when she tried to kill me before I go on holiday. Like literally tried to crush me with work. I mean. I think I work pretty quickly. Very fast if you compare me to the other people here. But yeah. Just looking at the amount of work she tasks me with... I get scared.
I still managed to finish them though.
Before going on holiday.
Well, except once.
So... I was flying off on holiday with my family on Saturday... And Thursday morning I get an email about RNA extraction. And I believe it was afternoon by the time we really talked. She wants to compare two different RNA extraction methods. So I'm supposed to do two different RNA extractions, on Friday. And I've never done or even seen an RNA extraction protocol before.
Hurrah!
So off I go, looking for all the reagents needed...
And thankfully I'm in a habit of doing that for new experiments... Because one of the chemicals, the most important one, is nowhere to be found. I asked the lab execs for help and we launched a search and rescue operation in the lab to no avail.
Saved by the bell... I mean, missing chemical.
Unsup has way mroe confidence in me than I have in myself. Really. All the times she just throws me the protocol and leaves me be. Well, she'll tell me where she keeps her reagents of course. Thankfully. Else I'll have to run a search and rescue operation, and rammage through the whole freezer each time I get a new protocol. Well. I still do that actually. I'd search the freezers before asking her... Because you know, sometimes things are right there but you still keep missing it...
--------------------------------------
I remember clearly the time when she showed that new (not so new now anymore) PhD student how to do a DNA extraction. Boy oh boy was I jealous. Thankfully I'd finished up lab for the day... And weighing slacking in the office VS being with unsup, the latter was a clear winner. I basically plonked myself in a chair beside them and asked to join in. Well granted, I've never used that particular kit before... But really there's nothing much to DNA extractions... All the kits work by the same principle. I was just outright jealous that she's personally showing this new guy how to do experiments. Like doing it with him. Step by step. Something that I've never had since the time she conducted the FISH training with two other people. And really, I swear she would not have done that if the other two wasn't trying to learn the technique.
It was great though. I chatted a lot with unsup since there was loads of waiting time. Like an hour waiting time in total? 30 mins x2. We chatted it all away. Mainly me asking unsup questions. Yeah. Precious moments indeed. Because she's hardly ever in a talkative mood...
Well recently I get to lunch with her more often so yeah, we'll talk. But she's hardly one to talk when in the lab, doing experiments. And we don't gather around in the office for idle chat...
---------------------------------
Oh yes.
I remember that time. During the FISH training... She asked me to help her with making the qpcr standards.
I said sure, but you have to teach me how.
And I emphasized that. Because I know her habit of just throwing me the protocol to things. (And honestly, I wouldn't realize that she actually teaches people, like one on one and step by step, if she never showed that PhD guy... Because she'd never done that with me.)
So well. During some down time while doing FISH that day, she wrote the main gist of it on every scienctist's favourite writing paper - the C fold (or S fold) towels.
Ok... All good and dandy.
But well. The next time I hear about the proceedure...
Was when she emailed me a 15 step protocol on how to do the thing.
Definitely very scary. And yet very exciting.
But still scary.
Can I get it done right? The first time?
I didn't in the end.
But well. When I got the protocol. All I could think of was how... The last time I remembered doing bacteria transformation was... 10 years ago in secondary school.
In school. Secondary school.
And she just lets me do it like this. With no further instructions on the experimental technique....
She really very darn well thinks really highly of me.
All I remembered from sec school was... Well, there's the different methods of making the bacteria take up the plasmid, that I know. Chemical, heat shock, electroporation... And then there's some beta galactosidise involved. And lacZ gene. And X-gal. Yes. The X-gal. And how bacteria colonies that turn blue - my favourite color - aren't actually the guys that we wanted.
Yeah. Blue colonies are pretty but not what we wanted.
Then again... She was also the one who asked me to teach another PhD student DNA extraction (different kit). When I'd only done that DNA extraction for the first time before that. And actually, I was doing that very first extraction with that same student, because I'd never done it before but he has. Turns out that in that very extraction, even though we were doing it side by side... And I was doing it for the first time... My yield was a crapton better than him. So after 1 try, I became the teacher...
Rights. I'm finally feeling tired now so I'l stop here. Nights. It's almost morning already here lol.
Update: Ok. It was 4:50 am when this was posted. And I still woke up at my usual time, just before 8. Gosh. Why can't I sleep more?!?!?! Seems like I can't sleep in anymore these days... Ok, time to crash the lappy again.
So well. I was reading my old entries right?
Was just glancing through my search results - that's why I love digital more than paper. You can search.
And saw my posts about how I was keeping track of whether I spoke to anyone at all each day.
Yup. That was my life before I became unsup's slave. I mean... Er. Assistant? Whatever.
Soon it'll be back to those days... And gosh I'll miss unsup so much. Like when she was on maternity leave? And I was staring at her desk everyday and wondering when she'll reply my email and if she's doing ok...
Only that come next Friday there'll be just an empty desk to stare at... And I really shouldn't be bothering her too much on email. Or iMessage for that matter. No more chatting buddy to ask/talk/complain about frivolous little things like if I should feed the babies. I mean, bacteria. No one to make jokes with or make fun off. T.T No one to chat with in the lab. T.T
I'll be all alone. And the lab will be all mine. If I even have lab to do that is.
No more popping over to her bench to find XXX because all her supplies will probably go to me anyway... I would very much like to have her 1ml and 200ul pipettes at least. And the chemicals... I'm out of nuclease free water already...! Everything is running out lol. The pipette tips. The PBS. The 96 well plates...
Gosh.
I'll miss her so badly.
Yeah. I'm spoiled by her now. I never had any of that. No one to talk to. No one to ask questions to. No one to discuss anything with. But after a year and a few months of working with her.... Things changed huh? I changed. My expectations changed.
Soon it'll be back to those days where nobody comes to talk to me. And nobody even cared if I was alive. Or at work.
Then again.
Some things did change.
I'm the 'expert' on a ton of things now.
Though in all honesty, I'm no expert. It's just that everyone else knows nothing.
It's too easy to be an expert here.
I stil remember when I finally got sick of my stuff always getting stolen from my bench, and decided to move in to the molecular lab...
I stood around surveying the place, wondering which bench to take. Do I really want to sit there? Next to unsup? It's a bit scary to be that close... no? Maybe I'll sit opposite instead...
Plus. That bench looks cleaner...
So I did. I had the whole two rows to myself then. And I kept those whole two rows clean.
I'd never forget how unsup was happy to discover that I've moved in with her... So she'll have some company. I was kind of worried though. Because. Sitting opposite your supervisor isn't particularly a good thing... As far as the usual bosses in Singapore go anyway.
The first time we actually chatted, across the bench... That was pure joy. It's like a switch that just turned on in my brain... Like "Wow, so that's how it feels like to have someone to talk to when doing experiments..." It was so enjoyable. It was addictive. For the first time ever... I felt that... Maybe... Just maybe... Research doesn't have to be so lonely after all.
And I'd be so happy each time I see her in the lab. To even just see her. See someone else. Though of course, most of the times when she's doing experiments, she's so concentrated that she doesn't hear anything I say. Important question or not.
It's still nice to see someone else in the lab anyway.
There wasn't much to do at first. Rather, she didn't give me much.
So each time after I'm done I'll ask her what's next. Because I don't have anything else to do anyway.
Then she started giving me more stuff. And there was a period of time when I'd wake up every morning to having my instructions for the day already happily sitting in my inbox. Even before I woke up. Or the email will arrive while I'm on the way to woke. Sometimes we'd have emailed back and forth a couple of times... And I'm still on the train. Lol.
I'd be kidding nobody if I say that she didn't know. Even though well, I was sitting far away then, at the door. Because when she showed me and two other people how to do FISH... She set the start time at 10 am. My usual arrival time. Well... I don't know when the other two usually arrives. But still...
There was some other experiments too, that I don't recall what it is anymore. I asked her what time we would start and she says we'd start at 10. When she's in the office by 8am or 8:30... well. I don't know. I can only gauge by the emails she sends me. And she might have been already in the office for ages.
But she never once mentioned about it. I was turning in all the experiement results by the next day, latest, anyway. Of course, all the emails with results/attachments won't ever get sent till past 10am, when I reach the office.
I get it now that she doesn't care. Because they don't care when you worked in the US either, so long as you were getting your work done. Yeah. As long as you get your work done. That's something we could use more of in SG.
Unsup said multiple times about how fast I am... Throughout the time we've worked together... Well... My response would be: How long do you expect me to take? Lol.
Even just... Last week? I diluted the FISH probes already the previous afternoon. The next day she was like "the FISH probes are in my drawer."
"Erm yeah? I diluted them yesterday already. What do you think I was doing all afternoon?"
"I don't know... talking to the bacteria? So that they would grow better?"
We had a great laugh about it.
Or a few weeks before... The last time I ran the qPCR. I finished all the plates in the same day and she's like "You're fast...!"
Me: How long do you want me to take to run two plates? o.o
---------------------------------------
That day when I got a sudden email from her, after work hours, in April...
I was glad. Glad that she found my trustworthy to leave her experiments to.
Though I really shouldn't be happy... But I was anyway. Heck. I was even getting a high reading the experimental protocol. Even though it was a really simple, short thing.
But I know I really shouldn't be glad... Because I guessed right away what happened.
And my guess was proven right the next day when I saw her FB post.
But well.
I didn't know what to say when she got back.
I didn't know if I should even say anything.
But... unsup seemed fine and was behaving like everything was perfectly normal.
I didn't know if I should ask. But it seemed like she didn't want to. Whether it was behind her or whether it was still hurting inside and putting up a brave front. It didn't feel right to ask and so I didn't.
I don't know. My social module is broken remember? This is a new situation. With no past knowledge to rely on. So I relied on my logical thinking...
If you're reading this... I'm sorry I didn't ask. I didn't know how to.
Don't know a lot of other things either. Still don't.
------------------------------------------------
We got closer. Though the time when she asked who my supervisor was, and then again subsequently denying our relationship during the qpcr training still hurts.
I remember the qpcr training well. Not that the training was actually useful or interesting to me... I learnt nothing new. But because it was the first time unsup messaged me. Like message. iMessage. Not email. I was wondering how the heck she got my phone number. Still wondering now. Have to ask her that before she leaves...
Well. Not her fault really. Officially, we don't have any relationship. She isn't my supervisor. My supervisor is the head of the whole insitute and he doesn't even know I exist.
--------------------------------------------
I remember stalking her on FB for several days/weeks and pondering if I should add her. I finally picked up the courage and pressed the damned button, for good or for ill.
Then she liked my photo.
And then I started posting statuses and photos... To catch her attention.
And she liked some of them.
So I did it again.
And again.
And again.
Like a child demanding attention from their mum.
Yeah, I was an attention deficit child.
Still am.
--------------------------------------------
And... Oh gosh...! The times when she tried to kill me before I go on holiday. Like literally tried to crush me with work. I mean. I think I work pretty quickly. Very fast if you compare me to the other people here. But yeah. Just looking at the amount of work she tasks me with... I get scared.
I still managed to finish them though.
Before going on holiday.
Well, except once.
So... I was flying off on holiday with my family on Saturday... And Thursday morning I get an email about RNA extraction. And I believe it was afternoon by the time we really talked. She wants to compare two different RNA extraction methods. So I'm supposed to do two different RNA extractions, on Friday. And I've never done or even seen an RNA extraction protocol before.
Hurrah!
So off I go, looking for all the reagents needed...
And thankfully I'm in a habit of doing that for new experiments... Because one of the chemicals, the most important one, is nowhere to be found. I asked the lab execs for help and we launched a search and rescue operation in the lab to no avail.
Saved by the bell... I mean, missing chemical.
Unsup has way mroe confidence in me than I have in myself. Really. All the times she just throws me the protocol and leaves me be. Well, she'll tell me where she keeps her reagents of course. Thankfully. Else I'll have to run a search and rescue operation, and rammage through the whole freezer each time I get a new protocol. Well. I still do that actually. I'd search the freezers before asking her... Because you know, sometimes things are right there but you still keep missing it...
--------------------------------------
I remember clearly the time when she showed that new (not so new now anymore) PhD student how to do a DNA extraction. Boy oh boy was I jealous. Thankfully I'd finished up lab for the day... And weighing slacking in the office VS being with unsup, the latter was a clear winner. I basically plonked myself in a chair beside them and asked to join in. Well granted, I've never used that particular kit before... But really there's nothing much to DNA extractions... All the kits work by the same principle. I was just outright jealous that she's personally showing this new guy how to do experiments. Like doing it with him. Step by step. Something that I've never had since the time she conducted the FISH training with two other people. And really, I swear she would not have done that if the other two wasn't trying to learn the technique.
It was great though. I chatted a lot with unsup since there was loads of waiting time. Like an hour waiting time in total? 30 mins x2. We chatted it all away. Mainly me asking unsup questions. Yeah. Precious moments indeed. Because she's hardly ever in a talkative mood...
Well recently I get to lunch with her more often so yeah, we'll talk. But she's hardly one to talk when in the lab, doing experiments. And we don't gather around in the office for idle chat...
---------------------------------
Oh yes.
I remember that time. During the FISH training... She asked me to help her with making the qpcr standards.
I said sure, but you have to teach me how.
And I emphasized that. Because I know her habit of just throwing me the protocol to things. (And honestly, I wouldn't realize that she actually teaches people, like one on one and step by step, if she never showed that PhD guy... Because she'd never done that with me.)
So well. During some down time while doing FISH that day, she wrote the main gist of it on every scienctist's favourite writing paper - the C fold (or S fold) towels.
Ok... All good and dandy.
But well. The next time I hear about the proceedure...
Was when she emailed me a 15 step protocol on how to do the thing.
Definitely very scary. And yet very exciting.
But still scary.
Can I get it done right? The first time?
I didn't in the end.
But well. When I got the protocol. All I could think of was how... The last time I remembered doing bacteria transformation was... 10 years ago in secondary school.
In school. Secondary school.
And she just lets me do it like this. With no further instructions on the experimental technique....
She really very darn well thinks really highly of me.
All I remembered from sec school was... Well, there's the different methods of making the bacteria take up the plasmid, that I know. Chemical, heat shock, electroporation... And then there's some beta galactosidise involved. And lacZ gene. And X-gal. Yes. The X-gal. And how bacteria colonies that turn blue - my favourite color - aren't actually the guys that we wanted.
Yeah. Blue colonies are pretty but not what we wanted.
Then again... She was also the one who asked me to teach another PhD student DNA extraction (different kit). When I'd only done that DNA extraction for the first time before that. And actually, I was doing that very first extraction with that same student, because I'd never done it before but he has. Turns out that in that very extraction, even though we were doing it side by side... And I was doing it for the first time... My yield was a crapton better than him. So after 1 try, I became the teacher...
Rights. I'm finally feeling tired now so I'l stop here. Nights. It's almost morning already here lol.
Update: Ok. It was 4:50 am when this was posted. And I still woke up at my usual time, just before 8. Gosh. Why can't I sleep more?!?!?! Seems like I can't sleep in anymore these days... Ok, time to crash the lappy again.
no subject
I'm god dang super happy!
Hey, sorry by the way- have you seen this post yet? I send you a message of this, but I dunno if you got it.
The post: http://eurovisionstorm.livejournal.com/12851.html
no subject
And sorry, just not in the mood to make decisions now... ><...
no subject
That's alright. Try to comment another day!
no subject